Warning: Potential danger

First of all, I wish a happy 150 years to my alma mater and current school, the Ateneo (well there suppose to be a mass at this very moment but I was lazy to do so).

Well anyways my blog title relates to this recent discovery about love, thanks to my Theology Professor Herman Rochester (aka the less fundamental version of the great Fr. Adolfo Dacanay, certified Ateneo legend). He explained stuff about love, and boy, I was struck at it. Some thoughts I have pondered:

1) Love is a judicious process, and therefore needs time. This happens to explain on why a lot of relationships here (and I particularly mean in my school) more often than not fail in the end. The fact that couples have this tendency of rushing things when they are in this state of being in love. You know, the typical thing about people when they are in love: they seem to live in a fairytale-like scenery, where everything seems to be the ideal. Yet these people, as the get separated from reality, loses grip of the more important, realistic things about life. Most significant of all, people, when they are in love, always attempt to align their expectations with reality (500 Days Of Summer, remember?). This concept always fail. It is indeed true that you have to develop that relationship, and not rush it, if you want it to be more fulfilling. No wonder I myself personally do not believe at love a first sight, because it will NEVER work at all.

2) Love is NOT about destiny, perfect match, perfect chemistry, and soulmates. Another problem with this society. People always long for their respective Mr. or Ms. Right, people want someone who share a lot of things in common with then, people long for those people "whom they are destined to be." Those kinds of people, as Rochester would put it, are stupid. Love is not all about an illusion, about a fantasy. Love is indeed not all about that; instead, with love as being effortful (like how Scott Peck would put it), one must be realistic about love in the sense that they should work on their relationships and not have the "bahala na si God" mentality

3) Love is about being vulnerable. Like what I have said in a related blog, one of the most challenging things about love is the fact that you have to put your walls down and be vulnerable. In Rochester's words, you become naked to your lover, giving away everything that you have for that special person. If you love someone, you cannot be protective and be Mr. or Ms. Safety. I myself have a hard time on this, as being vulnerable means that you are prone to being hurt, rejected, saddened, happy, satisfied, and many more. By the fact that you are vulnerable you (to a certain extent) put your life in danger. Like how Fr. D puts it (even if he's not my Theology Professor): "you are courting danger".

4) Love can find our hidden selves. Believe me, it is one of the many wonders love can bring in every of us. With love being effortful, as said in point number 2 in this blog, one thing that love can do is to bring out our hidden talents, to bring out a new me to ourselves. It may be strange and all, but as we go out there and court our special someones, we "extend our selves" and go out of our protective zones, in an effort to reach out to our special lover, in order ourselves to be committed t an extraordinary relationship.

And those are points that I have learned so far about Love, Scott Peck, and Theology Classes.

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On personal thoughts:

1) I'm typing this entry with my newly replaced MacBook. PowerMac (with the help of AppleCare) replaced my old MacBook with the newly redesigned UniBody Polycarbonate White MacBook. Even if this MacBook is an entry model, I honestly find the Unibody White MacBook Aesthetically more pleasing than the Unibody Aluminum MacBook Pros. The design of the new White Macbook reminds me of the design that was used with the very first iBook (the Candy colored laptops) in the mid-90's. Save for the lack of a Firewire port, a combined headphone / microphone port, and the absence of an IR port, the fact that 1) It runs on NVidia graphics, 2) Has a superdrive, 3) Uses 2GB of DDR3 RAM, 4) Has a big 250GB Hard Drive, and 5) Has a long lasting battery (my tests showed that it can last as long as 6 1/2 hours on a single charge, while using Internet, YM, iTunes, Adobe Applications, and Pages), this replacement laptop was well worth it. Kudos to Apple's impressive service.

2) As much as I am recuperating about being heartbroken (thanks Xianne, Hans, Ross, Bea M., Jem R., and the others I forgot their names for comforting me), it's just really hard to get over it. Damn, Cyril has so far been the only girl who was able to give me a major heartbreak.

3) In relation to #2, as much as I see her everyday, I still somewhat refuse greeting her like before. But nonetheless, I am still giving my Christmas gift to her. Besides, she's my CADS Mommy and that should be enough reason on why I am giving her a gift this Christmas.

4)And when we talk about love, one of the things that bugs me is the fact that my feelings are on rebound. Months ago, I decided to stop liking Betsy for reasons of complying with the bro code (she's the ex-girlfriend of my HS kabarkada, that's why), but no. Now I'm starting to like her again, being more comfortable conversing with her. I know this is really not good, that's why I have to be careful about it.

5) Finally, I have decided to make a personal photography project. Entitled "Prelude" as of now, the point of this project is for me to focus on certain dancers for every training session of CADS I can come to for December, and shoot photos of them, choosing 3 to a maximum of 5 photos, and then from there make a story out of it. So far, this is just the "research" phase, as I will fully start on this by January next year (and this project ends at CADS' year-end concert come March), as I still need to determine which 3 CADS dancers I can make a photo story out of these candid snaps. And I should thank Aaron Vicencio for suggesting such idea, and Tippi Sy for encouraging us Doc and Pub members to hang out at the Gonzaga Dance Studio.

Shattered, and recuperating.

Yesterday, I realized what it feels to be rejected by that thing called love. And now I know and understand why a lot of people are extremely hurt by it (and to think before I would usually tell those people na either "babae lang yan" to the guys or "lalaki lang yan" to the girls). Damn. They were right. I was wrong. And that aspect of rejection made me hurt emotionally (and surprisingly, literally). It was so damn painful.

So, what happened?

Well yesterday, I was suppose to give my Christmas gift to Mommy Cy just before Under the Stars. At the morning, I was excited and all, gaining positivity from a nice Theology quiz and a nice DGroup session about quiet time. I was ready and all. I wanted to give my gift to Cy. I was excited.

But something made me hesitate upon knowing about her having a date for Under the Stars. I tried to figure out who is her date, until I realize that it was a person I would not really expect. Then I saw her during PACisama, with the guy. They left, and while they walk away from Bellarmine field and approach SEC field (for Under the Stars), I felt that they were starting to be intimate and all. At first, I tried to disregard it, and I just focused on shooting for PACisama. For one, I have heard that Cy and the guy were "seeing each other" already. In short, Cy had a thing for the guy. I tried to be chill about it.

PACisama was a challenge to shoot, especially with me carrying some emotional baggage, but hey, I managed to score a few shots that are really worth it. After 2 hours of shooting at the very dark Bellarmine Field (since the Christmas lights will be open come December 15), I went to SEC field for Under the Stars. I saw some of my friends, and got reunited with my old loves, the Guidon News Staff girls (Joan, Bea M., Dessa, and KC). I do love these girls for making my News staff experience memorable (even if I was the only guy in the staff last year), and I was able to catch up on some kuwento from them. Then I saw Denise, Raymond and his sister, Anne, and Jemaika, among others.

Then as I left at around 11pm, the parking lot was almost empty. The only cars parked were my car, and Cy's car. As I went inside, the emotional baggage exploded, and I was in a sudden road rage. With a CR-V in my hands, I was revving the car like if I were on a race track. I picked up my driver (just as you know, my grandparents would not let me drive alone going home, so I have my driver accompany me every time I go home). Then, from UP, I was practically racing the car. 80, 90, 100 kilometers per hour was my speed. I was so alert, that I was fast in evading the cars to prevent an accident. Then come Quezon boulevard, I stumbled upon a blue Fortuner who attempted to cut me off. I cut him out of the way, honking my horn long, and sped along. The driver of the Fortuner was outraged, and he put his lights into high beam and started to chase after me. With a fast car at my advantage, I sped along Quezon Boulevard with a breeze, losing track of him when I was already in Araneta Avenue already.

And the road rage didn't stop.

I was driving so fast, I ran over a cat (a gray one), and at first I didn't care about the poor cat's death, but upon reaching home, I started to feel guilty about it. I ran over a poor cat because of my emotional outrage. Upon arriving home, my grandmother greeted me positively, but I had a sad, depressed, emotionally hurt facial expression, telling my grandparents and my parents "leche talaga ang pag-ibig". I even texted my close friends Bea M. and Jem R. "fuck love. I swear I will not make myself vulnerable again." I wasn't in the mood, I listened to some songs on my iPod with my newly replaced Skullcandy headphones (I paid extra since I decided for an upgrade). It wasn't enough, so I decided to just sleep it off, after watering my plants in my room.

But it didn't end there.

2 hours after I woke up, I was screaming in extreme pain. My left foot's muscles started to twitch. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't bear the pain. I couldn't even stand up. I was crying for my mom, and mom told me how to handle the pain. Minutes after, the pain dissipates, and I started to sleep once again.

I woke up earlier than usual, and I was limping from last night's physical and emotional pain. I went to my dad's desktop to do some internet duties, and telling my online services "shattered and broken to pieces". Some of my friends asked why, and I told them. Then, randomly, I said in my Plurk account that the December air this year is much better than last year, and Cy agreed. I even told her good luck and enjoy in the Unilever fair that morning. It was as if she didn't hurt me. It was as if I still treated Cy as my CADS mommy. but still, I was hiding my emotional pain from her, after the sight of her getting a little intimate with the guy. I was feeling a bit masochist already. Easing the depression, I edited a few photos from last night, appreciating some nice photos (especially Betsy's Bellarmine Field photo, even though I have stopped liking her already), and I went back to my Philosophy notes, typing them on the computer for an upcoming long test.

Then I left home for Aaron Vicencio's photography workshop. Personally, Aaron (or Master A) has to be my favorite Atenean photographer (next to Philip Sison, another great photographer); his gear is simple (he mostly uses his trusty 40D and Sigma 24-70 2.8 for most of his shots or even just the 50 1.8), yet his photos were very much effective. I idolize him also that he's one of those few photographers who shoots in plain JPEG all the time (unlike most of my photography friends, who would opt to use for RAW, a memory-consuming format). His lecture about making a photo story and how to make effective action photographs was something I really needed (next to Mike Cheung's lecture on landscape photography, which really helped me level up my skills on landscape photography). Being a former Guidon photo staffer himself, his photojournalism work is simply incredible. i've seen his online portfolio and I'm astonished on how he manages to really create a story out of what, 10 or 20 photos. He really rocks, and I was happy that i attended his lecture and also ease my depression. He even gave us this interesting sets of assignments, namely 1) Photograph anyone within 1 kilometer of you neighborhood, and 2) Choose 3 CADS dancers that you will focus with from now until CAD's year-end Concert come January. I'm motivated all of the sudden.

Adding up to a dash of good vibes, my left foot seems to be feeling much better, and also, I was able to get back my laptop, in the form of the newly redesigned MacBook White Unibody. I didn't really care if it was an entry model, as long as it had what I needed (Super drive, large hard drive, long-lasting battery, better casing, and what not). And now I'm officially back to being normal (and probably start editing photos once again).

So at the end of this day, it has turned somewhat positive even if I was hurt in the process yesterday.

She happens to make me feel how is it to be hurt by love, but I don't blame Cy for it. Maybe I needed to experience it for myself to understand love better.

And even if she has hurt me emotionally, that does not stop me from giving my Christmas gift to her, come December 18 (at CAD's Christmas Party).

Indeed, "Everyone learns from Disaster", as the Dashboard Confessional song would put it.