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Manny V. Pangilinan Center for Student Leadership

Feeler.

Excuse me, but this is not my specialty.

I'm not really good with this.

Yet, I strive me best at it. 

I'm not an expert at it.

Yet I try to be one.

The challenge, then, has just started.

It is not out of luck.

But some perceive it as so.

And through this challenge, I will prove my worth.

That it is not luck after all.

That I worked hard for it.

I will show to them the truth.

That even if I am no expert at it, I can still try to be one.

After all, nothing's impossible.

As long as you have the will for it.

Operation suicide

And I do not mean the literal suicide, but the figurative suicide.

Why am I speaking of this? Well aside from longtests (I have one today for Psych and next week for Spanish . . . but more or less I am ready for the former), projects (still giving a follow up with my PoS53 interviews with senators, and the Psych project is technically ongoing), papers (weekly PoS61 papers, and the Lesson plan for NSTP which I haven't accomplish YET), logistics (for NSTP), two days from now will be another revelation for me, and that's the second bout of the EB race requirements for my aspirations as a News Editor of a prestigious school paper. Two days from now, I can finally get to see the next set of requirements, my overall performance for the first set (which since Saturday, I feel they are NOT good . . . for 1) Jan Lane's standards, and 2) My standards). I feel that I am seriously lacking something, that i feel like I am pressured to my duties as an Editorial Assistant for this month at my best (and most probably, do the same responsibilities until the end of the semester). I know it's a big pain, but I guess I should take that pain for once. Like hello, for the past how many years I have a great tendency of backing out when the opportunity comes, and it is sad in the sense that it goes into waste; have I took those risks before, I wonder how far I have gone through by now.

But it indeed better late than never. I consider myself a late bloomer for the norms of society, and it only through my college life that I try to prove to people that I can do it, I can handle it, and that I can lead people in one way or another. Just like any challenge, it is hard to prove your worth, considering my fast. Just to look back:

1) I was NO writer. I hate writing papers back in grade school AND high school, but I ended up loving it during college, being a writer for the college news paper.

2) I was anonymous to politics. I was more inclined to the sciences back in grade school and early high 

school, and I started appreciating it during my later years in high school.

3) I was repressed with photography. It took me to wait for almost five years before I was given a DSLR by my parents.

4) I used to be hey-buy-me-this-buy-me-that. Back in grade school and high school, I got used to my family buying stuff whatever I like to have. Now in college, thanks to some factors like my mom's sickness and the financial crisis I started to learn how to save money, earn money, and manage my money as well.

5) I used to hate veggies and those green stuff. No matter how my parents will force me, I insisted on not eating veggies then. But since my mom got inflicted with the big C, now I am encouraged to eat them as they are means for healthy living (and FYI I'm friggin fat so a new diet is pretty needed)

And these are among a few things that had occurred as part of my "transitional" change during college (of course, there is a lot more, but I don't want to elaborate on them, especially on love)

And for this blog, I don't like to focus on my love life, since what I actually did made a big problem on my part that needs some solving, and even if my mind tells me that I must be amazed that she can strum that guitar or even sing and that I should ask for a copy of her graduation picture, my body refuses so, thanks to a thing called stress.

Time for a "break" with those love stuff and blah. And since February is coming, I would consider Feb 14 as SAD (not Single Awareness Day, but Social Awareness Day, as it is a Saturday and hence an NSTP session). It's better to celebrate Valentine's through teaching kids than being alone right?

That's all for now. Hoping I would do well in that Psych LT later.

It feels like insomnia

Well aside from the fact that I am LSS-ing Craig David's song, there are a number of reasons to feel the insomnia fever:

1) Tests! I got Psych test upcoming this tuesday, and I swear to myself that I'll study that tomorrow. Then Spanish LT next week. Oh the joy. And with a friggin D+ result for Aguas orals and a B+ result from Sci10 LT, and a lousy 7/10 in a PoS53 quiz, I'd better get my but working double time

2) Mr-Feeling-News-Editor-Mode! For the first (official) time, I am the News Editorial Assistant (aka a slave to make matters simple) for this month (and most probably, up until March). Organizing possible stories and workflow schedule is a new and seemingly complicated task I have to face with. Plus I have to write my articles. And edit my articles AND the articles of my Co-staffers! :| Better get adjusted to this if I desire to be the next News Editor (and probably the first male editor after a couple of years)

3) EB race strikes back! EB race round two is coming near, in like 4 more days. Oh no. Now I am worried about Jan Lane heavily criticizing me for my seemingly lousy set of requirements I gave for the first round, and as a compromise, I promise that I'll do much better for the second round (and more for my love with Jan . . . ok WTF am I saying here =)) )

4) Cash! I've got approximately 2k in my funds wallet; save up 8k more so that I'll get a new set of lens for myself (currently eyeing on a basic 28-105 3.5-4.5 USM for my arsenal). But frankly speaking, I am happy with my set-up (400D with Battery grip, three lenses, a flash); it is probably enough to suit me for a couple of shoots :D

5) I find love corny again. It's probably just me, but recently, I find love being a bit corny for me, hating and despising any show that has courting and being in love as it's agenda. Probably it's just because of School-related stress that's why I am feeling this way.

6) NSTP blues. Oh boy, now I have to do lesson plans. But I find teaching fun still; In fact, I plan to teach something different to the kids next week (after a bit of math, I want to teach them some history). Add also the fact that I have to plan out things for the upcoming NSTP culminating activity, which is barely a month from now.

7) Sudden love thoughts:

- "Sometimes din, it's hard admitting to someone who knows that you know that she knows you like her na you like her. Parang kang nagdidiin." - Darren Tantoco on talking about our love lives (I laughed when he told me that he told his possible lover, and one of my eye candy girls, Erica, I love you in a jokingly way. You're one of a kind, bro :))

-"I never thought that I'd fall in love, love, love, love
But it grew from a simple crush, crush, crush, crush
Being without you girl, I was all messed up, up, up, up"

-Craig David's Insomia. Presently, I am starting to feel this way to Jan Lane. Feeling that my life got messed up after realizing how much I actually like her (and actually denying it for months before that revelation during the news dinner)

-"I don't even know if I can even be me.
Cause it's so hard to be me when you're next to me.
If I could say so, I'd say what I'm feeling.
But I can say so, my lips just tremble. "

-Mario's Stuttering. Every time I see Jan Lane nowadays, it seems that I just can't speak to her. Fear is overwhelming me inside me, both because of love issues and the EB race.

*To end this, I guess this whole thing should end in terms of love. I just cannot get it right into my nerves. Bea told me about Jan's stat which says "heartbreaker :)". I wasn't aware since she is invisible at me (probably avoiding me much?). Oh well. I guess that ends my problem.

Now I can concentrate on other stuff as well. :) *To self* cheer up, dude ;)

Problem solved.

Enough is enough.

I've got other problems to worry about as of this moment.

And I don't have time to worry about this.

I'm having a struggle here, you know.

And it's not healthy worrying unnecessary stuff.

For now. 

Just for now.

I want to end this for the moment.

To make me feel lighter.

To make me feel happier.

To make me feel more relaxed.

Let's break this issue shall we?

So that we can concentrate on other things we worry.

And I hope this problem has been solved.

Hopefully.

*Prepping up for upcoming agendas next week*

Climbing up.

Apparently, things seem to be going better for me.

Even if I was almost involved in a near car crash on my way to school (but thank God I was swift enough to avoid it), my day started with seeing and greeting Erica (who is one of my Eye Candy girls, and also my friend Darren's possible "lover") as I enter upon Xavier hall. Seems weird that I saw her on that day, on her way probably to Bellarmine (since she has a class there I guess). Well yeah, Erica's cute still, but the feeling is not overwhelming enough for me.

Then I went to Caf up, bonded with Darrel a bit, then went to Matteo (with Gino as my seatmate) to study my butt off for PoS61 and PoS53. Stayed there I guess for almost two hours reading, studying, browsing, and sleeping. And it wasn't a waste.

Then went to the Pub before going to PoS61 class. Also had myself grab a copy of Windows Vista at the Kostka extension (and yes, it's legal), thanks to the CompSAT people who were able to get permission from Microsoft to distribute copies (as of now, I am pondering on whether I would install it to my MacBook so that it becomes dual boot; but I decided no as I want to save my laptop from potential viruses; nonetheless, I grab a copy for hte sake of saying that I have a copy of Windows Vista).

Then PoS61 class. Got to learn more about how evil Totalitarianism was in the eyes of renowned political philosopher Hannah Arendt, and given RR's question on whether we should forgive Totalitarianism for its acts and forget it, I deny otherwise (for more details, wait for my ThinkPiece on this). But for this class what was funny here was RR's example of "Men and Women for others"; he said that he was able to fully realized it in his senior year in college, when he fell in love. It was one hell of a laugh for us PolSci students, but I came to ponder . . . well true, RR's right; but when will I truly experience being in love? (I still don't consider my liking for Jan as love YET . . . more of infatuation I guess)

Then me, Tata, MM, Francis, and Bea C. went to the cafeteria for lunch, and it was a first for me to eat lunch at the Caf for like months (or even almost a year I guess). Then I saw one of my ex-crushes there; I knew the feeling's gone, so I didn't mind her even if she's happy being with her boyfriend (yes, I have existed here for eighteen years and counting and I am hell proud of being single :) Because you get to do more stuff being single that's why). Ate there using chopsticks (I ordered Japanese-ish food), then went back to the Pub. 

Then came Psych and PoS53. What makes (first) psych interesting is when we were talking about personalities, and I particularly like the defense mechanisms part; for me, I like the concept on Denial and Reaction formation best. Why? because it best defines how I act upon Jan; first accusing her of being a flirt and yet deep inside, liking her, and second being in denial of my liking for her, no matter how obvious it can be. got our quiz in Psych, and I got an impressive perfect for it. Long test for Psych is upcoming, and being an interesting set of topics, I hope to do really, really well in the next test.

As for PoS53, we checked our quizzes and I got a so-so 7/10. Then while discussing, I was struck at what LYJ said. She said, "tests should make you think!!!" I definitely agree on this; being a critical thinker has to be of something essential especially to my Major, as a Political Science student.

Went home early, then my parents left for a premiere movie. Me and my sister ate out with our grandparents and ate at a Chinese Restaurant near our house. Then went back home.

I just feel that this year seems to be going well, even with the bad start of the year and the semester. But another bout of hell is upcoming: The Guidon Editorial Board Race part 2, plus a multitude of projects, papers,and tests. Hope all is well.

And yes, I didn't see Jan today :( And all of the sudden I felt like missing her (even if she'll probably fry me with regards to my EBR requirements . . . why on earth did I fall for a Senior Ed who's there to critique me on my aspiration of being an editor? :( Oh well how life can be happy and yet complicated). 

All the luck for me in the coming days.

Torn.

I guess it sucks that I myself can't decide between two things.

I like both, and I want to be a part of both.

But likewise, we can't choose two but we can only choose one.

And yes, I should choose only one.

But time's running out already.

And I have to choose between the two. 

I cannot have both, after all.

But I am still in a dilemma.

One knows, but the other doesn't.

Yet I still want both.

But I should make my final say soon.

And quickly as possible.

But I should be careful.

I should decide wisely.

I may, or may not, regret my decision.

I hope to make the right decision.

Yet, in a situation like this, it is hard.

I like both but I can only end up with one.

*Studying Theo*

New feats and adventures.

At the start of the day came many new accomplishments for myself.

Starting off the day, I greeted Mita (aka Notebook) a happy birthday since it was her birthday today, and for some miraculous reason, she replied with joy, with the words "see you around" at the end of her text. It just makes me aware by the fact that she likes the way I am now as compared to my sucky, torpe self back in high school. Now the whole torpe issue is now over, and with added factors like being the lone guy in the News staff has forced me to be very "interactive" with the opposite sex.

Then came Yoga midterms. It was not as hard as I was expected, but I was somewhat surprised to see my grade on the B+ to A mark for my performance. I never knew that I could that good. Or maybe I was just practicing real hell hard.

Then ACP signups. Rache came along with me, and I actually cut Sci10 for this (but later on I found out that it was a freecut, so I didn't cut at all). I wanted to get the field trip activities, but when I came about to realize that the last one was the Figaro trip, we were praying hard that we may be able to get it. Fortunately, Kurt approached me and asked if I was sure about the Figaro trip, and I said yes. Minutes came, and Kurt came out announcing the last four slots for the Figaro trip. Me and Rache raised our hands, and God answered my prayers, granting us the last four slots for the Figaro trip. With all joy, I took my time in placing my name on the list, sealing the last few slots for the trip. And then all field trips for ACP were out (for the quota of Sophomores). How lucky can you get, eh?

Then Aguas time came. Learning about Mark, I came to realize that there are hidden points that I actually did not understand about the Gospel. After all, my Grade school and high school theology weren't enough; thanks to the Great Aguas, I like to go into a deeper analysis on the gospels and discover the inconsistencies that the average Catholic fail to figure out. 

Then while in the pubroom, I accidentally came to browse the Aegis yearbook drafts, and being the person who certainly likes Jan (and probably going crazy on her), I immediately looked at her write up and her graduation photo. for her graduation photo, I feel that she had that certain aura that had captivated me in an instant. Her face, particularly those "almond-shaped" eyes, has persuaded me into liking her more. Added to that, whoever wrote her write-up, the write-up for her is really amazing, and I'm struck at the part where the writer of her write-up focused on her eyes. It said:

 

 

"Almond-shaped and expressive, alluring and mysterious, capable of conveying scorn and katarayan or warmth and care in a blink. From afar, she may seem intimidating. Her quiet strength and aura of cool confidence is enough to douse anyone who hasn’t got enough passion. And yet, one might mistake her to be as fragile as the butterfly she rivals with in beauty."

It was so well written. It perfectly portrayed that personality Jan has that made me like her a lot (I guess). The mysterious person she is gave me the sign that she was no ordinary girl that I have met in my whole life.

Anyway, going back to reality, after Spanish class, I drove Tata, Angie (who is one of the four eye candy girls I described in one of my previous blogs), and Angie's friend to SM Marikina to try out the food at Hai for Angie's food review for G magazine. Driving going there was not that bad; save for the traffic at the U Turn slot at Aurora boulevard, the trip going there was a breeze.

Then we went to the restaurant. We sat down. In front of me was Angie. Well I know she is cute for my standards and probably lovable, but I didn't feel the throbbing of my heart like that of when I met Mita or when I greet Jan everytime I see her. It was a plain, ordinary bonding with the girls (YES, I'm the only guy again here). Ate food, enjoyed it until the dessert, and hey the food was fine for a typical Chinese Restaurant. After that, Angie paid the bills (and yes, she even paid for our parking). So there. I felt nahihiya because she paid for everything that I asked her that I pay for my part, but she said it was ok. Angie had that certain cutesy-like appeal, but the feelings aren't as strong as that with Jan or even Mita. It was ordinary.

Then we went back to Ateneo. Save for the fact that we ended up going to Riverbanks (stupid me), the trip was fine, and brought Tata back to Ateneo since Sir Aly (her brother, a Sports shooter and teacher in the Ateneo) was waiting for her. Then I dropped Angie and her friend to the Cervini dorm. And that is how I ended my day.

The mysterious personality within their eyes . . . one thing that Jan, Mita, Erica, and Angie share in common, that's why I seem to like them. But how come the attraction is best felt with Mita or recently, Jan? Got to figure this out.

Should we call it the inevitable truth.

Hell week has somewhat finished early for me. but it doesn't end there.

Next week I have Psych LT, and I'm excited for ACP especially with the field trips (good photo ops, I know). And as for this coming week, I have vowed to myself to start working responsibly as the Editorial Assistant for the News staff and likewise, study well for upcoming quizzes and a Yoga midterm exam this Monday. And we of course can't avoid the inevitable truth, like what my title says.

But what's that inevitable truth I am talking about? 

Well it can mean a lot, seriously. But here are some of them:

1) The fact that I have this bad habit of teasing people with their "crushes" so on and so forth. It's really weird of me teasing them, or worse even criticizing them (right, Jem?) about their crushes yet by myself, I have been already crushed by my crushes already (well excluding the most recent one). I can't explain why, but yeah, it's somewhat a crazy attitude of mine which I possessed all of the sudden here in college.

2) The fact that I'm a sucky writer and artist but that it changed a hundred-and-eighty-degrees. I despised of the English language since I was a kid and also hated art for my frustration of not coming up with decent artworks as well. But ironically here in college, I am here as a writer (since I write news stories) and as an artist (a photographer in this case). I've came to realize that joining the Guidon has made me conquer these dislikes of mine and instead transform them into something that I'll be passionate about eventually.

3) The fact that earning money is really hard, especially with the boom of the financial crisis. As compared to previous years, now I cannot ask stuff from my dad for no reason. Money has become a slightly scarce resource these days, with more people having hard times thanks to the global and influential financial crisis of the United States. Because of that, saving up for my hopefully next camera gear (OR for whatever stuff I like) would be a challenge. Even if I have part-time jobs at hand (as a freelance photographer and as a contributor for a certain magazine), saving up would mean 80% of the time it would go to the bank.

4) The fact that Philippine education has a problem and is a threat to our country. After having our diagnostic test for students during NSTP, I find it somewhat disturbing in what Jerry, one of our NSTP classmates, said about students not knowing about the basic concepts in the fields of the sciences and the mathematics. Now it begins to make me wonder on how do these students 1) Learn in the classroom, 2) Compensate for the daily schoolwork, and 3) Graduating even if he / she does not know certain aspects of various subjects. It is indeed disturbing to hear about this,especially in the case of the youth as the next generation. How will this country progress if the education of the next generation is slowly degrading? Thank God we could be of help to this kids.

5) The fact that I can't hide my liking for her and it has become that of being more-than-obvious. Yesterday, my YM status message was "Seeing her today made me feel more 'kilig' LOL". Then when Jan logged in YM after a few minutes, her YM status message was "Why? Because :)", thinking that her stat message was a reply to mine. I asked her what is with her status message, but didn't tell me exactly why. Then today, during Press Play, I felt that my day was incomplete since she didn't arrived but on the contrary she arrived during the awarding. At the moment of feeling her presence and seeing her, I suddenly felt my heart beating unusually fast, my face slowly becoming numb and red-ish, and my facial expressions becoming that of a bright smile. She did arrived, and while doing a photoshoot, I joked one of the Guidoneers, saying there are people prettier than you, and that person replied "wushu, Jan Lane ka lang!" while Jan was there. Thank God Jan is the type of girl who remains cool with stuff like this. And yes, me liking Jan has become an inevitable feeling that has become very hard to hide.

This world has made me go round and round. I wonder what's next at store for me.

Happy Thursday.

This is so unexpected. 

Considering the workload I would usually have on Thursdays (and Tuesday as well), this particular Thursday went really well for me. Starting off with some love talk with Darrel in the morning, then off I went with Hans and Oya to get help for my Theology orals with the great Ray Aguas. 

Went to the department 10 minutes early, but Aguas was late by 20 minutes, that's why as a compromise, sir decided to make me choose the question I wanted to answer, and I quickly chose what question I like to answer, and off I go with answering it and explaining it thoroughly. After some long explanation going, Aguas decided to "shift gears" and ask me another question, and boom I answer it with confidence. Ending from there, I asked Sir how I did, and he said it was good although he got a bit lost when I was explaining revelation with the example I used. But heck, I did way better for my Theo orals as compared to my PoS orals yesterday, which almost ended up as a disaster. 

Moving on, I ran my way to PoS61 class, and actually made it 10:30am SHARP. Amazing. I wasn't late, and RR's lecture today was of interest, especially for me who expressed interest with Arendt and Totalitarianism. Then came Psych. A little boring at first, but the quiz Ma'am gave us was simply a breeze; I was able to answer it without any worries, and yet, our lessons in psych get to be more interesting these days. Now I would imagine myself if I chose to be a psych major instead; but nonetheless, I still love PolSci, no matter how brutal it may be. 

Then PoS53 with Yu-Jose. She dismissed us real early; she just got our reflection papers from that interesting talk with Korean professor Inchoon Kim last Tuesday. Went back to the Pub immediately. 

Flashback, flashback. While going to psych, I greeted Jan and Edge, fresh from their Philo (or Theo perhaps) class. I just can't stop smiling at Jan. She's simply superb for me. 

Then back at the Pub. I was teasing Bea a lot, that I ended up being punched at with my naughty remarks. Rache dropped by, and I tried out her 40D with a 17-85 IS lens; I envy her so much, but I guess I should be happy with my 400D battlegear set-up (with the flash, the battery grip, the lens hood, and the cool old-school 50mm 1.8 of mine). Did some business matters with Guidon, then went to Matteo to study some Totalitarianism. 

This day was superb, even if the dumb car in the Xavier parking lot a while ago parked badly that I had to enter from the passenger door to the driver's seat because of his stupid way of parking his car (oh well, can't be perfect much, right?) But I just love this particular Thursday.

*And speaking of Jan, I thought of something: unlike my other past crushes, it seems that it has been sort of a "routine" for me to see her and never miss saying hi to her, and giving her the happy face as well. Some basic observation of mine recently.

And at last, my hell week finished quite early; now I can relax a bit now and enjoy some sleep, like what Sir Bugs Bugarin told me in an interview. 

Gotta download some new tunes for my iPod. Adios! 

Of Devil's advocate, pure guts, and being lovable

Early in the morning, I did something crazy that I felt that I was possessed by the Devil: Imagine driving a 1997 Honda Civic LXI at around 100-120km/h on my way to school early in the morning, and add to that, I literally did a kilometer-long solo drag at from the exit of the U-Turn area near White plains to the flyover, using only the first three gears (since I'm using a manual); Damn it was one hell of the ride, that it felt like my typical game of Gran Turismo on a Playstation in real life. Obviously, it is not a good act; I swear that I will not do that again as driving that fast in the city can be extremely dangerous to my life. We all know why of course.

Then the usual intense Yoga in the morning, then a surprising freecut for Sci10, of which I did not really expect. So since I decided to take orals for Theo; while studying in the Pub Room, Jan (who I no longer need to disclose her name as Cleo since everyone know that I "love" her . . . well not literally love, but for the fact that 1) She's lovable, and 2) I really really like her) came to the room, and the scent of her perfume was so strong that I got attracted to it that i almost said to her that I like her perfume (thank God I didn't; I'm in no mood today to flirt with her hahaha).

Then study with orals, then orals came, and it felt like I was in hell as the thesis statement I got was the one I didn't focus much on (but nonetheless I studied on it). I tried my best to explain it by relating it to other philosophers and draw the connection, and I seemed to be almost successful at that. RR said that my orals was ok; getting a 2.8 (over 5) wasn't that bad either; I thought I would end up getting a 0 instead. Even if it's below average, at least I still manage to struggle myself to get a extreme borderline grade nonetheless. Good job for me :D

Then ending the day was the Editorial-Editorial Cartoon meeting. A first for me (since I am running for a position), now I was able to see what Editorial board members do; it was so interesting for me that me and my News running mate Bea immediately volunteered to do the editorial for this month (together with the help of Executive Editor aspirant Edge); I want to test myself with this Editorial duties, so that I could finally tell myself if I really deserve to be the next News Editor.

I realized a while ago something funny. While Raymond was "bullying" me, I felt offended (but laughed at it anyway), but Jan suddenly said something that made me feel "hurt" but eventually told her that I was joking. The weird thing? If it was other people who said something that would hurt me, I would say very profane words and get pissed with them; but with Jan, it seems I couldn't do even a frown with her. I think this is a sign that I do really like her and supposedly "love" her. Well after all she's really lovable. 

Theo mode and PolSci paper mode later! 'Til the next entry!

I'm on the go these days

And I can't imagine how on a quiet Sunday I manage to accomplish a lot. And I mean A LOT.

On the accomplished list:

-Part 1 of interview transcripts

-Study for Psych

-Study for PoS61 Orals part 2

-Finish PoS presentation Brochure

-Finish Guidon Article on Last Lecture

-Finish a Think Piece

And on the other to do:

-Glimpses on Fr. Fermin

-Article on PCASTRD

-Theo orals review

-Part 2 of interview transcripts

And yesterday, for some fortunate reason, our PoS group managed to finish our video shoots for our PoS presentation this week! amazing much, I know.

I must be in the real mood to study harder, and work harder as well. So am I experiencing once again the effects of being inspired by a crush (sorry but I had to use that word even if I shouldn't). Cleo has been inspiring me lately, and now that she's cool with me crushing on her, I'm in a real mood, and getting crazier slowly.

Why crazier? Because now I want to have Cleo's Graduation picture, with her dedication at the back of it. How life goes by; it's so amazing. 

And I am stuck by a few quotes from the speakers during the Last Lecture Series last January 9 (I covered it and at the same time really wanted to watch it):

“When you love someone, you find yourself wishing the person forever” - ADSA Dean Rene San Andres

“Keep hold of your dreams; they may come into reality” - University President Fr. Ben Nebres

“That’s the way love is . . . it encourages success” - former OSA Director Pia Acevedo

These quotes strike me big time. 

Just keep on dreaming.

A moment of admittance

I finally decided to tell the truth to Cleo about me crushing and liking her. And what made me laugh is the fact that she knew all about it and is just fine with it.

Wait . . . if she knows about it, does that mean that unconsciously I've been liking her since my first year in the Guidon? (Since we were co-staffers in the "disastrous" news staff last year)

So, here's the convo going all along:

___________________________________________________________________

9:17:43 PM code_dm: curious lang ako . . .
9:18:42 PM wenzyl_00: about?
9:19:07 PM code_dm: the one na ayaw mo sabihin sa akin
9:19:13 PM code_dm: parang alam ko na :D
9:19:27 PM wenzyl_00: haha then congrats?
9:19:46 PM code_dm: uhm . . .
9:20:04 PM code_dm: well you do know that i have a crush on you . . . ?
9:20:20 PM wenzyl_00: no way!
9:20:35 PM code_dm: eh di ano???
9:20:42 PM code_dm: (ok mali yun akala ko)
9:20:55 PM wenzyl_00: well duh its no secret
9:21:00 PM wenzyl_00: haha what was ur guess ba?
9:21:11 PM code_dm: i was thinking . . .
9:21:17 PM code_dm: lumitaw siya sa news dinner
9:21:38 PM wenzyl_00: go on
9:22:04 PM code_dm: and acor said something (?)
9:22:46 PM wenzyl_00: you do know she said a lot of things
9:22:51 PM wenzyl_00: haha
9:22:54 PM code_dm: arrrgh
9:23:01 PM code_dm: i'm dying to know talaga. promise
9:23:03 PM code_dm: :D
9:23:23 PM wenzyl_00: eh u said nga u had an ikling na?
9:23:27 PM wenzyl_00: *inkling
9:23:37 PM code_dm: inkling???
9:24:31 PM code_dm: eh kasi the only thing na naisip ko is yun kumalat na yun guidon crush thing ko
9:25:25 PM wenzyl_00: umm...hindi ba old news na un?
9:25:37 PM code_dm: shoot.
9:25:42 PM code_dm: so its something else nga.
9:25:44 PM wenzyl_00: oh...may new crush ka?
9:25:54 PM wenzyl_00: yihee!!!
9:26:21 PM code_dm: well not exactly "new"
9:26:57 PM wenzyl_00: huh?
9:27:23 PM code_dm: kasi to tell you the truth
9:27:41 PM code_dm: the whole guidon crush thing wasn't a joke
9:27:47 PM code_dm: i just keep on denying it
9:29:15 PM wenzyl_00: i know
9:29:16 PM wenzyl_00: HAHAHA
9:29:35 PM code_dm: so you know nga.
9:29:56 PM wenzyl_00: ah but that's not the thing that u think i don't know
9:30:19 PM code_dm: so old news yun crush thing ko sa yo . . .
9:30:25 PM code_dm: arrgh ano kaya yun
9:30:27 PM code_dm: ayoko na :(
9:31:05 PM wenzyl_00: haha wait na lang for one-on-ones
9:31:11 PM wenzyl_00: i might just tell you
9:31:19 PM wenzyl_00: pero nxt wk pa ata un lol
9:31:40 PM code_dm: boo.
9:31:42 PM code_dm: :(
9:32:16 PM wenzyl_00: oh what's with the jelly jell-o thing muna?
9:32:28 PM code_dm: fine
9:32:45 PM code_dm: i'll confess that; pero promise not to just tell anyone, ok?
9:33:15 PM wenzyl_00: go!
9:36:50 PM code_dm: nagsimula with the "made in macau" chocolates
9:37:05 PM code_dm: then when I saw yun pic ni *toot* na nakaakbay sa yo, hindi ko kinaya :(
9:38:28 PM wenzyl_00: they're cookies, not chocolates haha
9:38:47 PM wenzyl_00: but he gave pasalubong to other poeple rin i think
9:40:33 PM wenzyl_00: *people
9:40:51 PM code_dm: so there, naiingit ako kay *toot* :(
9:41:17 PM wenzyl_00: okay
9:41:33 PM wenzyl_00: and *toot*'s being jelly towards me
9:41:45 PM wenzyl_00: doesnt take a genius to figure it out actually
9:42:01 PM code_dm: :( shoot.
9:42:46 PM wenzyl_00: so that's what ur whole blog is about! haha grabe ka
9:43:23 PM code_dm: ehhhhhh
9:44:16 PM wenzyl_00: *toot*'s not mad at me, is she?
9:45:11 PM code_dm: well she's been beating me up the whole day today that's one :))
9:45:40 PM code_dm: pero seriously, feeling ko i like you more than yun crush ko na freshie
9:46:13 PM wenzyl_00: hahaha
9:46:26 PM wenzyl_00: and may i ask, why do you?
9:46:43 PM code_dm: hmmm
9:47:15 PM code_dm: hard to explain in words, pero more becase for the fact na mabait ka, and that I find you preety :)
9:47:19 PM code_dm: *pretty:)
9:48:16 PM wenzyl_00: oh...u don't find me mataray? lots do haha
9:48:33 PM code_dm: well not being biased, i dont find you mataray
9:48:48 PM code_dm: and to add pa, at leat you dont act bitchy (unlike others)
9:50:50 PM wenzyl_00: well thanks, im flattered i guess
9:51:06 PM code_dm: haha
9:51:28 PM code_dm: pero it's fine with you ba na i have a crush on you?
9:54:19 PM wenzyl_00: wait brb
10:03:07 PM wenzyl_00: ive known naman all along duey
10:03:13 PM wenzyl_00: and its no problemo
10:03:18 PM wenzyl_00: haha anyway gtg!

____________________________________________________________________

Realizations?

1) There's no reason to be jelly after all

2) She knew that I wasn't really joking on the Guidon Crush thingy

3) She has yet to reveal me something soon

4) Yes, I like Cleo more than Ms. notebook

5) This has been the first time that this happened.

And there it goes. Life will just continue to move on. At least I'm happy that she accepts it.

And next week? 2 orals, 2 articles, a meeting, a shoot, more interviews, tons of readings, and a presentation to worry about. Damn helldom here we are.

And finally, my fave 50mm 1.8 mark 1 has arrived, all cleaned up :D yay

Of classless societies, brainwashed people, and that jelly feeling

After going through almost 60 pages of Hannah Arrendt's Totalitarianism part of "The Origins of Totalitarianism" here in Matteo, I realized some points here:

1) Totalitarianism promotes classless society in a more violent manner than what Karl Marx proposed with Marxism.

2) By promoting totalitarianism would mean forcing people to join a oppressive single party, conforming to what they say, and avoiding any further argument.

3) Totalitarianism can be likened to the status quo where it discourages the special talents of individuals. 

4) Because of these status quo, and because everyone is supposedly "equal", this leaves the talented people to become retarded and the untalented people talented figuratively 

5) Making things simple, what totalitarianism is telling the people is "join or force or you'll suffer"

If you come to think of it, totalitarianism has made Marx's principles distorted through inducing fear and violence for equality. In a sense, living in a totalitarian state would leave everyone paranoid.

More pages to read about this, but I want to unload some stuff to share:

-Called up Sir Ogie's store to follow up my cleaning service for my 50mm, and they say it's ok already (so does that mean there were no traces of fungus in it? I do hope so). I'm excited to get it back later afternoon nad start shooting with it.

-Next week is quadruple whammy week: PoS61 Orals, Theo121 Orals (and I was part of the minority who prefers orals than a written exam), PoS61 presentation, and a bout of Guidon articles. Also in line: PoS53 bonus paper, interview with Senator Honasan, shoot with the Juniors swimming team, a pre-EB meeting exposure, and probably more and more quizzes.

-I still feel extremely jelly now, especially to Ms. Senior Girl (whom from now on I will refer her to my entries as Cleopatra, or Cleo for short). I know that I like her, I know that she knows that I like her, and I know that she accepts the fact that I like her. And yet, I still have that jelly feeling every time she talks to other guys. It's so hard to get this feeling away, especially for the fact that it is my first time ever to feel such.

-Fundings: I'm reaching the 500 mark, and I'm hoping for a new lens soon (and this time it will be a challenge due to the recession)

-Celebrated Mom's birthday at Gulliver's yesterday. I'm so proud of my mom, who I shall call her a superwoman because despite having cancer, she still acts strong and is a real fighter; it's like almost nothing is impossible with her. She's my real idol especially when it comes to school.

*Should I get myself to read? as of this writing, I have an hour and 20 minutes to go before graded recitation about totalitarianism. i think I should. Or maybe I should rest. 

'Til the next entry ;) 

The word "jelly"

I guess I'll be using that word more often these days when I feel really down.

CORRECTION:

I feel jelly now. Seriously. :(

Fantastically unlucky.

And I ended my first day of school in the year 2009 with a Spanish long test that is one point below the D mark. Fuck man.

And now I feel the hell of school coming back. Tests, readings, interviews, assignments, orals, and Guidon work. Oh fuck the world is crashing on me again. And this time, I'm in a deep ditch big time as I am struggling myself through failed tests in Spanish, PoS53, and Theo, PLUS barely passing tests in Psy101, PoS61, and Sci10. This semester has to be the most struggling semester ever for me. It's making me depressed already. Added to the fact that my Mom has to take additional medications due to a liver problem, caused by one of the drugs used in her Chemotherapy. Oh Lord, why am I starting the year like this? January is giving me a hard time this early. :(

I have an upcoming shoot with the Juniors swimming team soon, and I feel excited about it, being my first time to shoot for a varsity team of the Ateneo. Likewise, I am also excited to get to interview senator Gringo Honasan, who happens to be our distant relative, for my PolSci project, although I am hoping to interview senator Chiz Escudero as well.

Had Bea give me a set of tarot card readings for me. With the "Yes or No" part, the answer was no, but it seemed alright for me (my question? Only I know). As for the "One Year" part, I was given a positive outlook on February to March, May to July, and October to November, and a negative outlook on January, April, August to September, and December. Looks like this year is going to be one hell of a ride.

As for flirt moments, well I noticed Ms. Senior Girl having rosy cheeks a while ago, which was sort of unusual for me (not unless she had make up that time) . . . well I might be imagining as well. Then she made two hirits on me kanina:

"Kasi Duey, the truth always hurts *winks*" 

- On me telling AnnaB that I got hurt when she had a stat saying she's getting fat

"Duey, may alam ako sa iyo."

"Ano yun? tell me na"

"*winks*"

"ehhhh...."

 - On saying that she knows something about me already.

Oh noes. Don't tell me I'm getting affected with this all of the sudden. What about Ms. Freshie girl? :(

Sad, sad January for me.  

Oh shoot.

Yeah, bad news for me.

1) Of my 4 pairs of Adidas Sneakers I have, 2 of them have damaged sides (that is nearing to be destroyed by becoming some sort of a hole), leaving me with just two decent pairs. The same happened to my Havaianas collection last year. So two shoes, and two slippers. Hope that's enough.

2) Haven't studied for orals or do the Totalitarianism presentation yet :( Got to wake up to reality and get back to work quickly.

3) No 50mm 1.8 Mark 1 for around a week, thanks to suspicious marks in it that seems like the deadly fungus :( I hope it gets cleaned up, disinfected, and tuned up by this week since I have a shoot on Saturday :(

4) Haven't interviewed any senators :( since all of them were out during the break. But on the hindside, I did three interviews during the break, even if we needed just only 2. 5 more to go!

5) Yes I have to wake up to reailty: school starts tomorrow, and even if I am excited to see her, I am worried about quizzes and tests for tomorrow. Oh noes.

Hope everything turns out well for this week.

The big comeback

I am leaving Baguio tomorrow afternoon to return for Manila, to start "the big comeback". Why such a title? It will be everyone's first day of school on January 5, and I want to start it with a bang. What to expect on that day? 

1) Spanish LT results: did so-so, so I'm guessing a good C+ - B here.

2) Sci10 LT results: save for the question involving some insane computation, I'm hoping this to be an A and if it was, it will be a record high for me.

3) PoS53 rush time: Quiz on the next day, and submission of the second 2 interviews as well. I did both, but I'll be interviewing 1 or 2 more later to lessen my worries.

4) Guidon shock therapy: After the submission of the first set of EB race requirements, it is time for me to stretch my fingers and brain cells for 3 months of intense news writing and for the second and final bouts of the EB race.

5) Flirt mode (?): This seems a bit improbable, but at the least I'll be in such come February (and we all know that February is love month alright).

6) Theo121 Bigtime quiz: Yes, I'm expecting sir Ray to give us one on Monday (and this time, no fail quizzes please).

7) PoS61 operation domination: Totalitarianism presentation + Orals; it's time to show sir RR that my first orals didn't involve any form of luck so to speak.

8) Yoga stretch time: why not start my first day of school for 2009 with an intense yoga session to revitalize my senses?

9) Operation nice guy continues: Yes, whether they may be an eye candy, a close friend, a classmate, a co-staffer, or whatever, I'd promise to be nice to them no matter what.

10) What else? Well I could add also saving up money again, since I started the New Year practically broke, and I'm thinking of getting something new for my Camera (again).

And before I forget . . . . I also need to study as well! No one likes to be laughed at academically on the first day of classes.

And politically speaking: Erap eligible for elections? Pagandaman refusing his fault in the fight (even if I know that the De La Pazes started the fight, as I got from people who play at Valley golf, but still, beating up a minor is a mortal sin)? UP spending 1 million pesos for a new oblation statue? Fertilizer fund scam still unresolved? MILF / NPA rebels still against the government? Bombings during New Year's eve? Oh c'mon people wake up! We don't want to see this anymore; we are sick and tired of all of this.

And ending this entry: this coming three months would be critical for me in the aspect of love. Seriously. No one likes ending up with two lovers, because we all know that's immoral.