It's not goodbye forever?

Well that has to be the question in mind for me as for the past few days, I've been dreaming about this event. In this dream, I was with Jan at a park laden with tulips and with very few people in it at sunrise. The only thing I know about the dream was that I was holding her hand and that's all. In other words, it was of a wholesome thing, not like the occasional PDAs I have been encountering in school that for me is a real turn off.

For the longest time, I was able to have a conversation with my original partner-in-crime and fellow philosophical partner from the Guidon Jem Rosario to talk about it. Prior to me bringing up about it, we were talking about our hopes for the next Editorial Board, which for me seemed like an all-star lineup, similar to that of the Editorial board that me and Jem were under during our days as a freshman. From the conversation, I began to understand better the functions of the executive board much better, which I didn't really understood well when I was running for News Editor (of which I obviously failed).

Then after our talk on the next EB, I told Jem about my likings for Jan, and he understood me about it. Then I told him about this dream I have been having for the past few days involving her. And from Jem's dream analysis:

1)  When I told Jan that I thanked her for being mature upon knowing on how much I liked her, paired with a hug, Jem said that it was a good sign because:

"Kasi girls have to understand na bibihira lang ang mga taong mag-eexpress ng genuine admiration"

-True that. For all the girls I have liked, Jan has to really stand out in that aspect.

2) When I said that Jan was the first girl I have "liked", Jem replied, saying:

"First 'likes' naman are usually pure; hindi lang natin alam kung paano iha-handle, kaya nagkakabali-baliktad eventually"

-For one thing, I was able to handle my likings for Jan well that she wholeheartedly accepts it.

3) When I talked about the first part of my dream wherein I was with Jan and at some point she left something for me, along with a letter, and I reacted to the letter, Jem said that it was the kind of dream girls would really like to hear. That one made me laugh. 

4) Then Jem said this: 

"Usually if you dream of another person with you, indication iyan of your fondness if not longing for him/her"

     AND

"I really wouldn't call it bad, pero pag nagsisimula nang maapektuhan thought processes/pagkilos mo, medyo mag-isip isip ka na kasi it's either mahal mo talaga siya or may unfinished business ka sa kanya"

Dammit. So my situation is a complicated one, isn't it? Lastly,

5) When we went to a graphical analysis of the dream, which I described by me as "I was holding her hand, and we were in a park at sunrise, and there were a few people in the park, and there were flowers, particularly  tulips, in the background", all that Jem could say is:

"Maybe, indication iyan of a fresh start"

 

A fresh start. That is exactly what I am aiming for this year. Maybe these dreams give me hopes of rising up like the phoenix who rose from the ashes and lived out its glory. Maybe it is not goodbye after all.

It's not meant for me . . . . YET

*Second blog in a day :) I have to catch up with some writing to share :)

A couple of days ago I was reminiscing at what Jan has posted, and the question was . . .

"When it's given to you but not for the right reasons (or more specifically, for the reasons you want), it's not really for you, is it?"

Eventually, I found the answer. The answer is that "it's not meant for me . . . . yet". And what was I referring to? The Editorial Board race. I have failed in the sense that I was not able to make it to the EB, and what makes it more painful is that the same thing that happened last year has happened the second time around! No one running for the news editor was selected to be the next news editor. In other words, the News aspirants lost the race . . . TWICE IN A ROW! I don't know what, but I feel that it's an insult for me that it had happened twice; aren't the aspirants for this position competent enough (mine included)? Don't we have what it takes? Questions like this run into my mind. I was awarded "most promising staffer" by my mother figure Ayee last year, but I think I have failed her in that aspect for this year. In my personal opinion, my second year in the Guidon was really nothing but disappointment. I wasn't really performing at my best. I was the rebel who would tend to go against the orders of my editor Anna (who by the way, comes from the Inquiry staff). I made too many mistakes in my articles, even though they were small.

And I ran for news editor at such situation? It was indeed, a premature decision.

A lot of things have affected me during the race. My likings for one of the senior eds (and distractions to add), my loss of concentration to my academics, my inferior, mediocre requirements, and my fatally unprepared plans. All of these lead to my downfall and failure. But it didn't hurt me that much, as I have speculated after the panel interview that I wouldn't make it to the EB. I screwed up in the end.

Even if I was most promising, it does not mean I have the talent to be the next Editor. I lack a lot honestly, from writing skills to my personality. And it took six of them to find out my weaknesses.

But don't get me wrong, either. Failures are not bad after all. Instead, these were learning experiences that we can remember as time goes on. These come a by for us to be better after all. Maybe from all of these, I could be much better as a whole. It all matter how we view failure, because I view it as a learning experience.

The honor was given to me a year ago, but the whole context of it is not YET meant for me.

(Gotta do more reflecting this summer. Watch out for upcoming entries! :) )

Make me laugh, girl.

Well sometimes (or should I say lately), I find myself so ironic if I were to compare myself a couple of years back, during high school days. Back then, I was your typical torpe dude who was so afraid to interact with the opposite sex, that if ever I was talking to them, it was done in an unnatural and forced way, because of course I don't want to get myself out of place.

But it's now all different as the tables have turned.

Now in college, ever since having this "one of the girls" syndrome with the News staff (as I am the ONLY guy in the staff) and by the fact that I seem to have close friends from the opposite sex (Trisha A. my "sister", Bea M., and my PoS blockmates Oya, RJ, and Teki to name a few) that I feel open to share my stories with. It's just unusual for me to be talking to girls more than the guys (save for the HBoys and a couple of my guy blockmates) . Maybe I have just overcome the fear of interaction with them. Or maybe it was just more than that.

Why more than that?

Well let's go with the case about crushes and stuff. All of my life, until 1st year college, when I have a crush on a girl, I end up not being able to speak with that girl (or if ever I try to talk to them, I was stuttering a lot). I was too scared to talk to them, worrying about making a wrong move to them or making the whole situation a disaster. I was the kind of person  then that would not even give a "hi!" to his crushes.

But not after giving roses to Jan and Mita on the Friday the 13th / Valentine's eve.

Ever since that, I have been more comfortable to speaking to the girls that I have a crush on. In fact, I even opened myself up to Jan (the first girl that was not a "crush" but more of a "like") during the year-end bash about how much I have liked her, and that I ended the night hugging her, thanking her for being mature in dealing with it (unlike a lot of girls that I have encountered before). For me, Jan was so much different from the past girls that i had a crush on. Even up to now, I don't know exactly what makes Jan truly different (save for her looks, her nice personality, her maturity in dealing with things, and her being a mommy figure), but she's really different.

Now that she has graduated, I'm really feeling all sentimental about it, by the fact that she was the first girl I met that made an impact to me, especially with dealing with crushes. She gave me an important lesson to learn: just be true and honest to your feelings. Well it may seem so cliche, but sometimes when  you liked a girl for the longest time, there will come a point where you have to be open to her about it. 

And this is what I am of as a incoming junior student. The person who is "one of the girls", who is very open-minded and frank about himself. 

A Fancy for prime lens

After my last day as a sophomore, I went to Quiapo to go lens shopping, and I ended up buying a new camera bag (the Tamrac Velocity 9x that I was thinking of getting before) and another prime (a Canon 28mm 2.8). The prime lens I got was approximately the age of the 50mm Mark 1 I got a couple of months ago. So there; I got the two original EF prime lenses in my line-up.

Left: My EF 50mm 1.8 Mark 1. Right: My newly-purchased EF 28mm 2.8

Both are 1987 versions (if you check the code thingy on the back), so I own two antique but perfectly working lens in my lineup

After that, I decided to play with the two to compare the angle-of-view each lens provides. Here are the results (ISO 400, F 2.8, 1/30th of a second, RAW, unedited, 430EX II flash in bounce mode, E-TTL II):

This one was shot using the 28mm 2.8

 

This one was shot using the 50mm 1.8 Mark 1

So the conclusion? Both gave excellent photos, but I somewhat prefer the angle-of-view made with the 28mm. It feels like I'm using a 50mm (using the 50mm makes me feel like using an 85mm. Why? Sensor crop).

So what's next in my lens line-up? Well if someone could give me a 24-70mm 2.8 / 17-55mm 2.8  as a birthday present, I'd be super happy and love that person forever. But with a price equivalent to a semester in Ateneo, that is so unlikely. It's not bad to dream anyway.

And yes, summer here we come!

She got me again.

Yep yep, Jan Lane posted something on her multiply and I was somewhat stuck by this line:

"When it's given to you but not for the right reasons (or more specifically, for the reasons you want), it's not really for you, is it?"

Damn. She did get me there at simply the right time. No it's not about love life, but its more of something else . . . something life in general-ish.

Was it really for me? That's for me to know.

Heartbreaker

* A story of a heartbroken kid.

THURSDAY. He went to school early in the morning. He bonded with his friends first at the school's cafeteria, then he went to the chapel to pray for guidance in his final test and his application to a particular job. Then he went straight ahead to the library. He studied and studied, playing and browsing in between, until his friend called up for a group study. He went to his org room to join his friends to study for the same test. Time passed by, as there were serious and not-so-serious moments about the topic about the exam, which involved complicated authors and knee-length readings.

Then, the time has arrived.

They ran together towards the place where the exam will be taken, and they panicked as they felt that they seemed to forget something. Just a few minutes before the test started, we were given the papers. It was the deadliest paper he has ever seen in his life. No multiple choices, but only fill in the blanks, compare and contrast complicated authors, and nose-bleed-inducing essays. 200 points in two hours. Yes it was an impossible task to achieve.

Then the go signal was given.

They all grabbed their pens and started jotting down whatever their minds have remembered. For two hours, he kept on writing and writing. And writing, even if his head wants to sleep and even if his hand wants to surrender. Then the time alloted has expired (amidst a 15 minute extension given to them). He missed five questions. He went out screaming that the semester was over, even if he had a project the next day due, that is not even 50% done.

Then he went to the office, and was surprised at the posting of the results. He knew that he'd never make it, and it came true. Well almost. Upon seeing the list of accepted applicants, he was quite surprised at the results. Neither both of them who ran for the same position made it. Even his "predicted" set of successful applicants were not accurate even. It was a surprise.

The kid was silent. Then he went out. Then he walked somewhere else. Then night arrived.

And the night was silent, except for a loud cry.


*End*


Here's to the WORST semester I have ever had.

Before the school year ends . . .

Get a copy of the latest issue of THE GUIDON! 

This month in The GUIDON:

NEWS: Students echo farmers' plea
Ateneo showed support for the Comprehensive Agrarian Reform Program Extension with Reforms through "The Final Stand" held on March 4.

SPORTS: 5 honored in LS Awards
The Loyola Schools Awards for Sports recognized this year's outstanding athletes.

FEATURES: Chronicles of farmland
Farmers fight in photos and film

INQUIRY: Assessing AISIS
How effective is the school's registration system?

BEYOND LOYOLA: Sink or swim
Survival in today's cutthroat working environment

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A *supposed* letter to Jan Lane

*This is how I would probably sum up last night's year-end bash and my "opening up" with Jan Lane*





Dear Jan Lane,




It's so sad that you are graduating soon, but life should go on.

First of all, I want to thank you for being one of the more approachable and more decent (or should I add, the least waley, save from Ayee our editor) news staffer. After working with you for two articles, my perception of the News staff has changed.

I do agree with other people, saying that you were nice, hot, pretty, approachable, smart, and all of those stuff, even if you insisted that you looked mataray at first (which I never saw in you). You were such a nice person to approach with, both as a co-staffer for news and as an editor for Beyond Loyola. It's funny that you didn't run for the EB race last year, yet you were appointed for this position, and boy, you did your job well.

Also, and more importantly, I really thank you for wholeheartedly accepting the fact of me liking you. I guess that what makes you different from the past crushes that I have. For most of them (and probably it's a normal thing), when I end up telling a girl that I like her, the girl would step away from me and would not even speak to me, probably out of shyness of of being ilang. But you were different. Instead of that, you accepted it with a smile and some laughter. Yes, I know you saw that video last night, saying that I like you, with all of the people screaming "yikee" "yes naman Duey", or whatever stuff. Even a encore was made (damn you people).

In line of me liking you, I appreciated your maturity towards it. Even if people were teasing me about it, and even if I gave you that red rose on the eve of Valentine's day, which I know you really appreciated it, you still remain the same. No matter what was the situation, you still treated me the same way no matter what.

Also, after reading your article about singing, it somewhat got stuck in my mind. Like I was telling myself "oh my God, Jan Lane sings!?!?! Seriously". I never knew you had such talent, but it took me one night to prove it all. Your rendition of "Someday we know" with the Guidoneer who also has a known band named Fuzz Igo was quite impressive. I was serenaded by the beauty of your voice in fact. You said that you were shy about it, but if you were to ask me, there's no reason to be shy about it. After all, you've got some talent and a wonderful voice that even moved me a lot.

Thanks for all the memories I had with you. From being a co-staffer, to working for you with Beyond Loyola, with the EB Race, and with my occasional instances of me emphasizing how much I like you as a person. Even if I didn't get to have a copy of your graduation picture or get to say "I love you", which I think will never be appropriate, the little things that have happened painted the bigger picture. From writing articles together, to bonding activities, to having photos with each other, every moment is well-appreciated.

You may be graduating in a few days but I know someday we'll see each other again.




From the News staffer that has liked you the most,
DueyGee

What's up, hell week number 2?

Well overall speaking, hell week number 2, unlike hell week number 1, started out bad, as the great Ray got angry at me for sleeping and being talkative in class (well I admit that both were my fault; the former because of I wasn't feeling that great when there were instances that I fell asleep, and for the latter, well primarily I was trying to help out Joe, who is in the midst of being dropped from his class). But thankfully, Ray accepted my apologies as if I were his prodigal son, and I am inspired when Ray said that I can redeem myself through "acts of kindness". It inspired me in the sense that with just a few days before the semester ends, I could still redeem myself one last time, and it applies to a lot of situations, such as:

PoS53 Paper presentation:

Well for our presentation for our term paper, everything went well generally, except for that our explanations were so long LYJ seemed to be lost at the main point of our paper. Well as for my part, I do admit that even though I was able to somewhat explain it well, I felt that I was sort of hurrying too much because of my nervousness of being placed in a firing squad by LYJ (which has happened to Oya's group for no clear reason). The good thing is that our presentation went well generally; just a need to shorten our explanations in the Powerpoint presentation (or should I say Keynote?) and everything's fine.

Psych Last long test:
Ah, the last long test for psychology *tear*. I really loved Ma'am Lia's tests, even if the first one was indeed horrible that I almost (repeat: ALMOST) failed in it, but thank God I have somewhat passed. As for the fourth and last long test for Psychology, I think that I generally did well, save for a couple of mistakes which was a result of the lack of the use of the sixth sense, which is common sense, at it. But generally speaking, I would probably do well in the test. 

PoS53 "surprise" quiz:
Surprisingly speaking, LYJ gave us the last laugh by giving us a quiz about our paper and our presentation. I know it's more of a giveaway quiz (and I absolutely need it), and well I guess I did well, since it basically involves more about the framework of our paper, which I have been analyzing a lot since the production of the paper. But I hope I can save myself in this subject, especially after that miserable long test I had here.

Spanish Orals / Written test:
Spanish orals, well I did well because of luck. As for the Spanish long test, I barely did well because of mental blockage. For the Spanish orals, having orals with my partner Ryan (who hails from LSGH) was fun as we were able to practice for like 10+ minutes, and the best of all: we got the first topic, which was the one about introducing yourself and talk about your preferences and all. It was lucky in the sense that we were praying hard to grab it. So there, we did our orals almost flawless (well there were a couple of flaws) and it was fun. My fate with the written, however, was compromised, as I had a bad case of mental blockage and some lack-of-commonsense when I answered the test. Also, it was a challenging one, more challenging than the previous one. But gladly, my score was just on the passing mark, and that was good news for me. A C+ batting average (could have been better if I have not flunked the first one) for all three tests is not that bad after all. Besides, there are still other factors that can possibly raise or make my grade worse. But of course I don't like the latter.

Other reflective matters :

-No offense, but there is a real reason why I stopped blogging seriously in Multiply and do it instead here. the reason? Better privacy. But I just don't like people invading my blog and sharing to other's it's content. I just don't like my only private space to be invaded. That's all.

-I've got two more weeks to redeem myself back from all the bad things that has been happening to me recently. I made good use of my redemptive powers for the first two weeks of hell, and I really pray that I make the most of the last two weeks of hell.

-In the pubroom:

"Picture mo na lang, kasi ikaw na yun isa sa mga jobless."

-Ellix to Jan, on arguing something for BL press

Anne denying that she's english speaking but fails at speaking straight Filipino

"Ayoko maging sikat in a negative way."

-Me, on my photo in the dugong attire

"Yes Jan?" *with the surprised, scared look"

-Ellix, on seeing Jan

"I WANT THAT CUPCAKE!"

-Ellix on the cupcake being offered from Heights

"Awwwwwwwwwwww! How cute!!!"

-practically everyone, on the dog that looked like a panda bear

"May dignidad ka pa ba?"

-Martin to me on my dugong attire

Grab the latest issue of The GUIDON!

  

This month in The GUIDON:

NEWS: Quota reached in parties' absence
Despite no party system and the relative silence of the campaign, this year's Sanggu elections had all candidates winning over the Abstain vote. 

SPORTS: Tracksters rewrite history
 With a 26-medal haul, the Blue and Lady Tracksters won 3rd and 4th place in the UAAP

FEATURES: Everybody wants to be us
Enter the bitchy fashion industry

INQUIRY: Apathy or disenchantment?
Are Ateneans tired of joining rallies?

BEYOND LOYOLA: Understanding sexuality
Stripping off its taboo status

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When all is said and done

I placed my iTunes into shuffle, and ABBA's "When all is said and done" came playing, and it was simply the right song for evaluating the end of my first (of four) hell week(s). 

So, what's up hell week number 1? Starting off . . . .

PoS61 orals:

Wednesday night, 7:00pm, Political Science department. It's round three of the RR Rañeses showdown, but for round three, it was done in pairs (I paired up with Hans Juliano, my fellow crime partner in both serious and not-so-serious times), and that it lasted 30 minutes long. Also, the format was different; RR will tell us on the spot which author we will act as (like we were being interviewed and debating with a fellow author ), and our choices were either Hannah Arendt, Karl Marx, Michel Foucault, and Gayatri Spivak. For our case, Hans played the role of Spivak while I play the role of Foucualt (lucky me! considering I was taking orals Status Quo in an operation bullshit fashion of impromptu preparations). And we came into the chamber without any practice. at the start of the duel, RR interviewed each of us, and I was in my usual spontaneous talking-about-whatever-stuff-I-know fashion, and Hans did his that way as well. Then the debate started, as we bash at each other's arguments. Too bad the time was cut short (30 minutes wasn't enough after all), and we had an abrupt ending. A good oral showdown nonetheless.

PoS53 paper:

We submitted our final paper for PoS53 under LYJ, which is basically talking about the Makapili and how it affected the loyalty and trust of the Filipinos in both during the Japanese occupation and in contemporary times, and it's a miracle that our group (comprising of Hans, Ella Nitorreda, Babe Medrano, Rio Santos, Joe Umali, and yours truly) would come up with a 19 page paper that is very much substantial, complete with relevant references and essential interviews, all within the span that is barely even a week. It's amazing I know, but my fate (or I correct myself: OUR fate) would still depend on our paper presentation this coming Tuesday. I am worried in the sense that LYJ plays a sense of favoritism; as in with one group presenting their paper, she heavily criticized them even if their work was similar to that of the first group, where LYJ was particularly quiet during the presentation. Speaking of injustice in the academe. Oh well, but I am loving Political Science no matter what; it's like something more of a unrequited love for me (figuratively).

EB Race panels:

I just had my EB Race panels a while ago (while I am sick, and still sick up to now), and of course, I dressed to impress the senior editors (emphasis: Senior Editors not Senior Editor), complete with a semi-formal, prom / grad ball style outfit, a minimalist KeyNote presentation, and with remote control of the presentation. With my usual spontaneous speaking skills and my operation bullshit way of preparing (AGAIN), the senior editors were quite convinced with my plans. NOT. When the question part came about, I felt that I died figuratively. Some of the questions asked that made me really think:

"What if there will be no old staffer next year? How will you do the mentorship system then?" - Jan

"We've heard that some of your interviewees are a bit offended; how would you address this?" - Monique

"Why did you run for news editor?" - Jan

"How can you handle your problem of anger management?" - Sara and Jan

"How would you compare yourself to Bea (Mandac) and Anna (Bueno)?" - Monique

"You somewhat copied your plans from Anna's (Bueno); what makes your plan unique?" - Monique

"What are your plans after being News Editor?" - Francis

And so on and so forth. There were a lot of critical questions asked, but these were the ones that struck me a lot. Jan Canseko (well expected; she's a News Staffer) and Sara Mawis (which I didn't expect) were the ones who asked a lot of questions, while Yanie was relatively quiet and speechless, and Monique asked a lot of really critical questions. Overall performance? I'd give myself a borderline C for it. Madami akong palpak na nagawa. Could have been better though.

Others in mind:

-A famous, well known Filipino just died today. Rest in peace,  Francis "Kiko" "FrancisM" Magalona, father to Maxene and Saab Magalona, who succumbed to Leukemia.

-The feeling for Mita is back. The more I see her, the more bright my day would be.

-I am missing Jan Lane now. She's not going to be in campus soon :( Oh well life must go on

-I'm guessing a 20/80 odds of me making it to the EB of The GUIDON, given the outcome of my panel interview

-The great Theology professor, whose name is Ray, is so great that he would give us a take-home exam and a show-your-creative-and-theological-skills project :) Theology with this legendary professor is a one-of-a-kind experience

-What's up, Hell week number 2? (PoS53 Presentation, Psych LT, Spanish LT AND orals on the same day).

-EB race is technically finished. The final stage is acceptance OR rejection.

And to end this blog, I like to cite a few lines from MGMT's "Time to Pretend": 

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life.
.....
This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute.
....
But there's really nothing, nothing we can do
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew.
....
We were fated to pretend

Visualization Experiment

That's why I love psychology . . . it teaches you ways to lessen your stress. Presently, what's stressing me out for this week are (in order): PoS61 Orals (which I am at the 60% mark), PoS53 paper (which our group is at the 40% mark) and the Guidon EB Race Panel Interview (which I am at the . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0% MARK!!!!!!). Obviously, the panel interviews is the one making me stressed, as I haven't started off with plans how to endure in a one hour, thirty minute battle between the six senior editors (Jan Lane included). So what we did in Psych is to visualize the problem, let it "roll down to our shoulders, then to our hands, and to the floor, and imagine something pleasant"

The first interpretation: 

It was a blackout. Then something shiny came upon me. It was a small pink butterfly, with wings so beautiful yet with a body that is so fragile. The butterfly had a look upon me, and I suddenly passed out. The next thing I know, I was in a beach, relaxing with the butterfly, which transformed . . . 

Seems a bit stupid and blurry right? Well here's the second interpretation:

It was the day of the EB panels. The floor is divided into two. One was the floor where I am standing at, and the other floor is where the six senior editors are, with that look into their eyes, observing every minute detail of the plans I had. Then the proposed line up came about. I said who I would like to be the Editor-in-Chief, the Associate editor, and the Managing editor, and explained why. When the News editor came about, my vision started to be blurry. I couldn't see a thing in what I am presenting. Then at a sudden moment, everything blacked-out and I passed out unexpectedly. 

Next thing I know, I was lying at Jan's lap as she was taking care of me after the incident. She was telling me something, but I couldn't comprehend enough what she was saying. And as I slowly got back into my senses, she held my hand.

What does this dream mean? Oh the wonders of Psychology :)

Updates:

1) Can't go to NSTP mass on BOTH Wednesday and Friday due to conflicting schedules. Gotta present that excuse letter by tomorrow.

2) It's not hell at home anymore. My relationship between my dad has somewhat stabilized well enough.

3) I want to thank Anne Silva for bringing me Leche Flan a while ago :)

4) All of the sudden, I understood Spivak. And Marx. And Foucault. And Arendt. And integrate their concepts.

5) Adrenaline rush is getting into my nerves. Hope it lasts long.