The ultimate shocker.

So today, I went to the laboratory (at Hi-Precision diagnostics) to have a blood test. A week before, I've been suffering from body pains, particularly with my legs, even if I just woke up from bed. So dad suggested that we have a blood test to see the problem.

So I was there at the laboratory, anxiously waiting for my turn for blood extraction. I was just playing Monopoly on my iPhone to kill the time. Then my turn came.

I went inside, then the technician was examining which arm will they extract blood at. They chose the left arm. Then came the needle. And the tubes. I was trying to resist the pain of blood being extracted to me, but something went strange. I started feeling dizzy. My heart was beating fast.

Then I went into a total blackout.

The only thing I remembered then was my dad (who is a doctor btw) waking me up, and giving me candy, on his suspicion that I had a hypoglycemia attack. It took me a while before I was able to barely stand up. Then upon arriving home, feeling weak, I headed straight to bed to get some rest.

A couple of hours later, the result came out. And I was terribly shocked at my results. At age 20, I was borderline diabetic, and my uric acid was WAY high than normal. Ouch. Straight to my heart. I was alarmed. I have to fix up my lifestyle if I wanted to live longer. A total shocker indeed.

And yes, it is a pain for me that at a young age, I have these kinds of sicknesses, something that I used to think that only old people would have. Now I have them, and my dad's letting me drink medicine (on a scheduled basis) AND now I have to go back to the lab every 3 months to monitor my blood levels and the levels of the chemicals in my blood.

After years of not caring about what I eat, now I have to act like an old person, monitoring carefully what I eat. It sucks, but I have to do it still.

And I can't accept the fact that a 20 year old like me has a sickness that 50 year olds have. Or maybe it must be my lifestyle (and the lifestyle of my generation). What do you think?

Why not Law school?

I am going to graduate in a few months with a degree in Political Science (a course that is said to be the best pre-law course), and yet despite that four years ago, I told myself that I will go to law school after I graduate, I decided to postpone (or maybe not pursue at all) on going to Law School, while most of my blockmates in PolSci decided to take the Law entrance exams. And I am one of the few who decided not to pursue further studies in Law School particularly. How come?

A couple of years back, idealism was the in thing for me. I was dreaming then that I would grow up to be the best lawyer out there, that I would help people gain proper justice, among many things. There was this inner feeling that being a lawyer was a profession that was worth it. Anything was possible then.

Then four years later, all of those changed. I no longer see the sense of spending four more years, drowning myself in thousands of pages to read every week, losing the privilege to sleep, struggling through praying that you read the right material for class. Also, in Law school, you will be faced with fraternities and sororities. Conflicts and / or camaraderies are formed during your stay. You are not even sure if it is worth joining these social organizations or do things on your own. You are not sure if you would like to benefit from "additional help" these social organizations may offer you.

I no longer sense the six months preparation for the bar exams, where you do not even know if you will be able to pass it or not. You are not even sure that even if you pass law school, you can make it to the bar. And should you make it, where will your law degree bring you? Not much, unless you are in the cream of the crop from the bar exams. And should you make win a case, what would people tell you? I wished it was praise and victory, but you would not know that people are backstabbing you, telling behind your back that you have "manipulated" results, that you took the case for money, that you used your connections from certain government agencies to help you throughout. Worse, some of your critics call you a liar.

And the most painful thing? No matter how good a lawyer you can be, the justice system here in the Philippines is fucked up. Here, you have cases where after 20 years the real murderers and rapists are yet to be found. Here you have a government agency choosing a witness who manipulated the details to show bias against the other party. Here you have hundreds of unresolved killings. Here you have society releasing the real criminals out of jails, no matter how grave their crime is, while those who have minor crimes rot to death on these prison cells. Here you have the most wicked of criminals being able to get out of jail easily.

Reality defeats idealism. That's the sad story. My sentiments about Law School has changed in light of events that has happened in the Philippines for the past four years. I myself have doubts if that will change. Even my desire to go into media is placed in question, as media is likewise criticized for being biased and not telling the truth.

The debate of whether Law School is still worth it or not has a more or less final verdict for me: with the state of Philippine society and on how Lawyers are seen these days, it is not worth it. And so my life plan has changed: Instead of going straight to Law School, I have decided that I will work (most probably in a News agency, with photography on the sidelines, or maybe be a writer in some magazine or newspaper) for a couple of years, and reflect on whether going to Law School would be still worth it, whether my former idealistic self would see the light once again.

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And even up to now, I am still thinking: Why did I choose Political Science after all, and not some course like Communication arts.

A different view.

This year's Christmas is a tad little different from the previous Christmases I had in the previous years. This year wasn't a fruitful one. Accidents happened, conflicts emerged, injustices are uncovered, classes are oh-so-late-to-finish, among other things.

My lola met an accident, I had a terrible fight with my dad, I had to endure having a hellish semester, my school finished late, and I still have schoolwork to do even during Christmas. A lot of not-so-good things happened to me (and a couple of good ones in between). And add to all the recent events happening in the Philippines, and it makes me wonder if I would still feel the Christmas spirit.

After all, I realized, Christmas was more than the presents, the money, and the material things we would normally get.

In the homily for this morning's Misa de Gallo, I was struck when the priest said that Christmas is all about being together, all about forgiveness, and all about healing. He was right. It's Christmas eve and things seem to be improving here at home. I am now in good terms with my dad. My grandmother can now walk with little aid. I was able to accomplish a part of my handwritten essay. And many more I could not remember.

Yes, we tend to fail to fully understand the true meaning of Christmas, thanks to the event being too capitalist and market oriented. True Christmas, after all, is the appreciation of the simple, non-material things in life.

Merry Christmas!

No Doubt.

Let's start this with a confession: I am not perfect, I am not exactly a good person, and I am irresponsible.

I am not perfect as I am prone to a lot of mistakes (with some mistakes making me sound like a moron). I wanted to have good grades but no matter how hard I may try (or maybe I'm not trying hard enough), a lot of things would get messed up. Believe me: I am forever frustrated of attaining that Dean's List but I never did.

I am not a good person because I have times when I tend to be such a douche. I am mean sometimes to people. Worse, even close at home. I would tend to have arguments with my parents, to the point of me dissing at them badly (yes, I consider myself to be a bad son in that aspect). I am a spoiled brat that whines around when he does not get what he wants.

I am irresponsible because of my tendency to lose things. From important documents to my own savings, I am a klutz in handling my life. It seemed like losing these things would be normal, and I am obviously not proud of it.

Okay enough of that. The biggest problem I have in my life is this: Until recently when my life started to get fucked up big time, I barely believed in God. Yes, the mighty One up there. Sure I may be hearing mass every Sunday (or whenever someone in our family has a birthday or what-not), but I am one of those people who went to church because it is an obligation, not because I wanted to.

I am raised up in a conservative Catholic family, yet I do not really pay attention to prayers, to Gospel readings, and all of that stuff. In short, my faith in God is not really concrete and sincere.

But recently, with all the things that are happening (my lola being handicapped after falling down, some of my stuff like my laptop and headphones getting destroyed, me and my dad not in speaking terms after a certain incident, me losing my savings due to robbery, getting effed up with my orals for Theology), I was in the brink of a breakdown (but I think I broke down to some point), when my mother, cancer-stricken but still fighting hard, approached me and told me one simple favor: to pray and to talk to God.

It may sound very simple but it was hard for me to do so. My mom was trying to tell me to speak to God. I couldn't even utter a word, a sign of me feeling lost in all the chaos surrounding me. It took a while for me to actually pray and talk to God as I was in this state of a mental breakdown. My body could barely move that moment. Eventually, I gathered the power to pray to Him. And it felt different. And mom was right: I should never doubt Him.

Things are starting to improve a bit (even if I just found out today that I actually lost 2k after being pickpocketed without my knowing), and starting now, I should start believing in God and start going to mass because I like to, and not because it is an obligation. No doubts, just believe in Him.

And I write this with mixed emotions as I still need to figure out how to churn out 16 pages worth of Philosophical essays (that happens to be handwritten, in script, and on yellow pad), and is due on the first day of classes. Whoopee.