Overly cautious or what?

I should be reading for upcoming quizzes but since the readings were sort of fail (clue: wasted on repeating ones), and that I don't have a soft copy of it, I just thought of writing something here (once again. This time, at one of the newer computers here in the new Rizal Library).
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Maybe I know why I don't want to be in a relationship (or what not). It's not about money, not about time, not about commitment issues, not those reasons, mind you. It took me a while to find why. Theology and Philosophy classes do help me in exploring why, but they are just "quite close to what I am looking for." And I was starting to get frustrated to find the answer.

And it took an entry made by a girl that I am "in like" to the answer that I was looking for.

Walls and being "overly cautious". Bingo.

What she wrote in that entry struck me, especially when she talked about the walls we surround ourselves with. The fact that we tend to be "over protective" of ourselves, that we do miss the possible "moments" in our lives. In short, it was the problem of our lack to believe in the saying "carpe diem" (or "seize the day" in English). Yes, it seems to be MY problem. My lack of stepping up. I am the one who has been "playing safe" recently. I did not like taking chances. I am not a risk taker. Indeed, that is essentially why I still have this constant refusal to be in a relationship.

In her entry, she said that sometimes we need to take chances, to put down our walls, to be vulnerable, to show our feelings toward the other. In short, there's a need to step up (especially for myself I guess). Maybe I should put down my walls for one, tell her (or better yet, express to her) my feelings.

YET . . .

She also mentioned about the risks of putting down those walls. The fact that you become vulnerable, you are more likely exposing yourself to falling rock bottom, getting hurt in the process. Yet at the same time, there is a chance that you will be happy in the end.

Breaking the wall. It is a very risky thing to do, as it can make you or break you. The reason that I do not like to break mine is that I am scared of hurting myself for the first time (yes, I'm one of those single-since-birth people out there). But like what she said, "I must learn to break my walls and let love in. I must learn to break away from my locked up world- and eventually (choose to) be happy."

Hell yeah.

Starting to let love in would be probably the next biggest challenge for me (the first would be of course, rebuilding and improving my reputation and credibility as a student, writer, political critic, journalist, and many more).

Maybe I should start breaking the walls slowly, and take the risk.

Getting back the grip, and of same acts, but different reactions

So yeah. After a seemingly rough start with second semester, I am slowly getting my grip back at things. I am slowly getting my senses back as I appreciate learning Philosophy, History, Politics, and Theology. It may be a slow start, but I am getting there.

You know what? I have seen some interest in my subjects actually these days (despite a sloppy, un-magis-like start). Just to share some:

From Philo:
"Walang Simpleng Katotohanan" - Doc Guss in line with discussing Kant and Hume.
"Lahat ng mga bagay na ginagawa ng tao sa mundo ay mayroong katuwiran, pero hindi ibig sabihin nito na tama palagi katuwiran nila" - Doc Guss, discussing the part on reason (which has a chapter all about this in his book)

From Histo:
-"You know what? They made use of yellow journalism to [aggravate] the US' anger towards Spain" - Sir Giron about how US' journalists covered Cuba while Weyler made use of his "pre-Nazi-ideal of Auschwitz".

From Theo:
-"Raison de etre" - Reason for Existence in French, as explained by Sir Rochester.

From PolSci:
-"Marxism, Leninism, and Maoism may seem the same, but they are all different" - Ma'am Abao, elaborating that there's a difference in their ideals (yes,I thought before that they are essentially the same, but they are not actually).

-"Tell me, what is the BLUE in Blue Vote?" - RR on criticizing the Sanggunian. These days, I seem to be quite disappointed with the Sanggunian with their moves and beliefs. Just like what boss Ross said, "they are becoming totalitarian and pretend to be democratic".

-"Public Policy in the Philippines started off as a reactive to a crisis" - Ma'am Lao, in our introductory discussion about Philippines Foreign Policy. Very very true indeed, as seen with the starting point of the foreign crisis with Flor Contemplacion's death way back in 1995.

Generally speaking, the "magic of being first batch" is starting to make wonders as I get some really thoughtful insights from my subjects.

Second Semester, may this be a wonderful semester that is worth remembering :)
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Hugging is something that one may normally do as a friend. At first, I am quite hesitant to believe so (that I had in mind then that it was some form of PDA-ing . . . until things changed), but eventually, I learned about hugging my friends from the opposite sex, and it seems that I was able to somewhat adapt to the idea of hugging them.

Yet, not every hug is the same, I have then concluded. Last Saturday (as I have quite narrated in my previous blog), I just noticed that there was something quite different when I hugged mommy Cy then. It was different from when I hugged Betsy during her MaxGroove performance. Same goes with the other Skechers performers like Ro and PatB. And even when I hugged Jan during Guidon's Year-end bash last March, not all hugs are made to be equal.

Going back to hugging mommy Cy, Ro, PatB, and Betsy is that I hugged them because I wanted (unlike with Jan, which I think was more of me staging things up) to, because it was the right thing to do (like what my good friend Jem told me)

Hugging them because "it was the right thing to do" was quite a sufficient reason on why I did so (even if it was never in my attitude to do so), but there are some things that still puzzles me. I had different form of emotions from hugging all the girls I've mentioned above, with the highest emphasis on mommy Cy. Fine, she's my crush (or she's the girl that I am in like) that why I hugged her, but it was hugging her where I sort of "relished the moment the most".

Why are they different? Jan and Betsy are my crushes too (while Ro and PatB are awesome performers that's why), but what makes me hugging them different altogether? Seriously, every hug from a person has varying levels of emotion. In my case, hugging mommy Cy must have been the most significant hug I've made. But what makes Cyril all that special from the others?

It still puzzles me up to now, and I don't like a reason such as "because Duey, you are in like with Cyril" as a reason. There's a deeper reason behind it. I just have to find it why by myself.

The simple gestures and actions make a difference

Sometimes, we tend to forget that the small things matter more than the big things. We tend to concentrate on doing great things, but with no emphasis on the details.

Sure, there may have been a couple of disappointments yesterday (like minor mishaps from Blue Christmas and my epic disappointment of not being able to shoot for CADS yesterday), but I just thought, maybe just look at the brighter side.

Even if we didn't have that much food for the logistics team for Blue Christmas, even if we had to run around Ateneo to check the classrooms, even if we had to go through both rain and heat while setting up the tents, there's this certain happiness in me seeing my friends being enthusiastic with facilitating the kids, and the kids appreciating the efforts made by other students involved in Blue Christmas. The fact that you see the happiness in them (and with the student facilitators as well) could make a difference. Actually, it is fun setting up the tents, running to all the classrooms, checking for the facilities of the classrooms, ensuring that the kids are safe, and the likes. Being part of the logistics committee for Blue Christmas is indeed fun. until the next Blue Christmas!

Also, even if I was almost lonesome sitting at Upper Box B yesterday at Skechers, even if I was disappointed that I wasn't able to shoot for them (but I do trust my co-deputy Yogi and for master Dom for awesome photos up there), even if to a certain extent I was feeling out of place (because I was suppose NOT go go here but to The Guidon's reunion party, where I know more people than in CADS), there's this feeling of happiness, especially with Ateneo INDAK (High School) and Ateneo CADS (College) for both winning 2nd- runner up yesterday made me feel happy for them (emphasis on the performers). And it is in moments like this where I break my own rules about my dislike for hugging anyone from the opposite sex, as I hugged mommy Cy, PatB, Ro, and the others for a wonderful performance.

YET . . .

Even the small details however can be such of an annoyance, evident with the latest buzz happening at campus. This announcement made by our dear Sanggunian President (Gio Tingson, my Days With the Lord Rector) was just stupid and not well thought of. A resignation of officers who failed to register for the upcoming elections? Seriously Gio (who I may call sometimes my daddy, just as how I would call Cy as my mommy), WHAT THE HELL. It's not like the voting matters a lot, but voting and registering for the upcoming elections is NOT a measure of political awareness. Registering for the elections is just one part, and yes, there are A LOT of things that matter about 2010 more than just registering.

As a Political Science major, I firmly believe that such action is very totalitarian, forcing the whole Sanggunian to COMLY with the administration, which, personally for me, should not be the case. You cannot control the minds of Sanggunian officers if they failed to register for the elections. What if it's their personal choice NOT to register? Of course you can't force them to conform with your standards because essentially we live in a democracy, NOT Martial Law of the 70s or Nazi Regimes of pre-World War II.

C'mon Gio, re-think your statement on this. Because your are disappointing not just me, but other people as well.
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In other news:

-Cubao Expo is a fun place. So far some items of interest are 1) The slightly used SB Dunk Highs on display at one store that is closed, a circa-1940 Cross Century Mechanical pencil with a working mechanism but a missing pen barrel, and a late 80's Canon Speedlite 300EZ that works but refuses to sync with my 400D (but is thinking of getting it for a slave flash). I guess Cubao Expo's the new Kamuning for me.

-About the hugging issue: it seems that I'm slowly being a bit comfy hugging the girls like mommy Cy (well I'm kinda biased about hugging her because she's like the CADS girl I am in like the most, aside from being my CADS mommy). I guess there's a bit of paradigm shift into my personality.

-Yesterday I was practically not at home the whole day, leaving home at 6:30am and returning home at 11:45pm. Such a tiring but fun day.

-I HAVE READINGS TO CATCH UP. I want to step up a little bit further this semester, so yeah, gotta nail those readings.

-I've been having different thought about love and relationships after watching 500 Days of Summer. Quite an interesting movie after all.
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Everybody learns from disaster.

The title is taken from one of Dashboard Confessional's songs in their latest album, "Alter the Ending". Lots of thanks to Ross Tugade (our boss in the Assembly, our home organization for Political Science Majors) for sharing the album with me.

Anyways, I've thought of using said song as a title for my blog as I have thought that maybe indeed, we do learn things when we are down. From our mistakes, we try to stand up from them and do better.

Case in point: My life.

First evidence: After getting 2 D's (which should have translated to F's), I have learned to study harder and care more about my subjects, hence, much better grades after.

Second evidence: After numerous failed attempts in being in love, I have learned (from the series of failed experiences) more about what it means to be truly and genuinely in love, even if it is not part of my College agenda so far. Thank God for Th131 in the Ateneo.

Third evidence: After my failed attempt in succeeding as being part of the Editorial Board (of THAT organization), I have learned to keep up with my strengths and work up on my weaknesses.

Fourth evidence: Knowing the flaws of my personality (and my strengths), I try to change the negative things about myself and turn them into something more positive

. . . and the list goes on and on . . .

And before ending this short entry, can I just say it was so fun to shoot the nightscape of Makati at a radio tower (that is on top of Pacific Star Building)? It was something different for me to shoot. It was dangerous and all (considering my fear of heights and the cost of my gear), but I was happy to get this shot:

A perfect shot for me indeed. How I wish my future girlfriend would accompany me to climb the radio tower, and watch the awesomeness of the nightscape here in Makati. Just a thought.

A different vibe. (TTH edition)

This semester also gave me a couple of firsts: first time to wake up late and drive to school at around 10am (since my classes start off at 12pm), first time to go hunting for a nice parking (which was a success for today), first time to have school until 7:30pm (every Tuesday, because of my Political Science elective, which is Philippine Foreign Policy under Mrs. Lao), and also my first time to have a 3 hour long class. After all, my T-Th schedule is just as interesting as my M-W-F schedule.

Starting off, I left school a bit late since my classes are still in the afternoon. Woke up at around 8am, then I went off to read some readings for PoS194 (Comparative Politics under the Political Science God, RR Rañeses). My travel to Ateneo at 10am was quite fine, save for the traffic in C.P Garcia avenue (due to the number of trucks passing by there and the number of jeeps stopping and parking, reducing the number of passable lanes). Upon arriving at Ateneo, save for a minor boo-boo of mine of accidentally picking the wrong road (which led me to exit Ateneo, then I went back to Ateneo . . . what a waste of gasoline), I was able to get quite a decent parking. Thank God for making my parking hunting adventure much easier.

Then I went to the Assembly room, to study off for RR's class (yes, even before our class, we have readings under his class). While studying, me and my blockmates (Ekha, Mich, Oya, Vince, Karen) and other Assembly members (Carlo, Boss Ross, Steffi) were sharing jokes, stories, experiences, and opinions. I felt the happy vibes with my blockmates and coursemates once again, which is good for me.

Then my blockmates and I went off to RR's class. Yes, we and the great RR Rañeses meet once again for comparative politics, which is said to be RR's specialty topic. Yes, RR humorously welcomed us by saying "welcome to hell" in a funny tone. Well he's saying the truth considering we have to read voluminous readings for the course, which I guess is no longer a big deal with me. Add to that, I am expecting the typical RR lectures here: the very eloquent, dignified speaker RR can be, he has the power to command the audience to be persuaded to listen to his speech, like he gives a privilege speech every class, which I indeed like about RR. His manner of discussing our lessons is really unique. Even with the long deadly papers he require us (plus those equally deadly quizzes and exams), I am excited for another semester of learning under a potential legendary professor of Political Science at the Ateneo.

After PoS194, I immediately headed to my next class, which is Hi166 under Brian Paul Giron. I've heard of him being a nice history teacher, so I decided to get him. My first impressions about him a while ago was that he's like my SA21 professor, Czarina Medina (of Guidon and Katipunan fame) in terms of attitude and approach to us students. His requirements are fair to me (but wanted that there will be surprise quizzes, like how my Hi165 professor, Kara Garilao, does every class to us). Potentially, he's an interesting professor (add to the fact that he himself is a former Political Science major, which somewhat adds up the fun). In terms of humor, I like the way he humors about zombie invasion, lifelong chess battles, and the likes. His class is potentially one interesting class, I assure myself.

Then I went with blockmates Vince and Pauline for a late late lunch at Caf up. Shared some stories, then went back to the Assembly room in an attempt to study, but eventually got interrupted by those entertaining videos Steffi, Pat, and David were watching.

After some waiting, I came across Betsy on my way to my next class. Reminded her about borrowing her Theology book. Sure she captures my eye (or in short, she's my crush), but there are many reasons why I should not fall for her (aside from the facts that 1) she's a close friend of mine, as I am with her and my other close friends every MWF morning, and 2) she's the ex-GF of my HS friend). Nonetheless, I treat her as one of my close friends (after all, if not for her, I wouldn't have in mind being a photographer for her organization, the Company of Ateneo Dancers)

Then I was off to my first 3 hour long class (and also my first night class), which is Philippine Foreign Policy under Mrs. Maria Ellissa Lao. Mrs. Lao reminds me a lot of Pilar Berse in terms of introducing herself. Her requirements are considerably light, consisting of midterms, group reports, and a final paper. Still, the subject by itself interests me as since my International Relations class under Dr. Alma Salvador, relations between the Philippines and other countries (such as the US, Japan, and the ASEAN) quite interests me. It's interesting for me to learn about these things to deepen my knowledge on the scope on what agreements these countries make with the Philippines, gauge them if they are fair ones or not, if there are possible recommendations, and the likes. After all, it is through these relations the the Philippines gets some needed support, given the fact that we are still classified as a developing, Third World country that needs the help from the industrialized countries. At the same time, this subject can help me in further developing my criticisms on agreements such as the VFA and the JPEPA, which both share their fair share of pros and cons. An interesting subject, even if it's 1) once a week, and 2) 3 hours long (but there will be a break in between, so no problem)

We ended quite early since we don't have that much to discuss, so I went home early as well

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Some tidbits:

1) RR is RR. We have 80+ pages worth of readings to memorize and analyze for an upcoming quiz on the next meeting. Now this is intensity.

2) All of my professors this semester are interesting professors, after all. I knew this semester was different.

3) Like what I've said yesterday about dreams, I did come across Tetel a while ago, but didn't notice her since I was really hungry at that time (delaying lunch by 3 hours was a bad thing, it made me go have a "heavy" lunch a while ago)

4) I'll be borrowing Betsy's Theology book tomorrow, and I am quite excited to read the book as well.

5) I just noticed that this semester is heavy on papers and readings. Good thing that I'm slowly getting my writing vibes back once again.

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This second semester will be interesting, after all :)

A different vibe. (MWF edition)

Second semester started, and I am off to a different kind of vibe. This semester seems to start off different.

Started the day with the usual bonding time at the morning table with Mark, AJ, Betsy, and now TJ. Talked about various stuff like the Sims, teachers, Skechers, and the likes. Then off to my first class, which is Doc Guss' Ph102 class.

Practically the same people, but some were not there (as they are with the other class). Same seatmates (the Psych people), and most probably same groupmates. Doc Guss started off with some discussion about global warming and the injustice behind it, thus making another good introduction to our Philosophy class, which will be talking more about the society (last semester focused on the individual). Same books, same notes, deeper ideas and thought. I have bigger expectations for this class once again.

Aside from the drive and desire to deepen my philosophical knowledge under Doc Guss, I m driven as well with Ph102 as the discussion about society and justice interests me a lot, considering I can relate it to my other political science subjects, International Political Economy (PoS131) to be very specific. Talking about the society and why do they act that way would surely enlighten me as how talking about the self during PH101 has enlightened me.

Then met up with Jem to talk about stuff concerning love and relationships. Indeed, both of us agree that love is a complicated thing, in many aspects. In our conversation today, we talked about the point about having moral standards and on why in the end we wouldn't be able to uphold all of those moral standards (but will only uphold a few of them). It's true, in the sense that even if we have had high moral standards, in the end we will only those that would matter the most.

In another topic, I told him on how people like to do daring stuff . . . you know, hiding in the dark ledges at the movie houses, doing home runs in public places and the like. Sure, and we admit this very fact, that they are very pleasurable, orgasmic, and climactic and (insert any ecstatic word here), yet the consequences would be very hard, that all these pleasures would make you have second thoughts about doing it.

Jem discussed with me as well that one of his fears on being in a relationship is the fear of not going back once he has the "first taste" of it. I agree with it though, as even if I am alright with a little cuddling and regular kissing, his reasons are quite reasonable. In fact, this could add up to the reasons why I am a bit hesitant on being involved in a relationship. Our conversation proved to be a good bridging conversation towards my next class, which is Th131 under Herman Rochester.

Although I had the freedom of choosing the great Fr. Dacanay for Theo, I decided to get Herman Rochester for Theo instead since 1) I took advantage of me being first batch, which is indeed a very very rare occurence, and 2) I have a lot of friends who liked his lectures, and that he can probably answer these questions about love and relationships that have been long roaming around my brain since first semester (and more significantly, during the semestral break). I have a couple of friends in his class, and for me, Herman Rochester is a professor that is very worth looking forward to, amidst his green jokes and his humor in class. His words are as striking as that of Dr. Raymond Aguas, who I had for Th121 (but almost failed his class because of me slacking off too much with that FAIL semester; something I swore that I shall take my studies seriously for once).

And when Doc Guss said this, "There are many cute girls, but have no this (then Sir Herman points at the heat", I was instantly hit, straight to the heart, telling myself hell yeah I definitely agree with you. Even if we are humorously called the "gangbang class" (for having a class that is practically dominated by men), his class would be the class I am definitely be looking forward to.

After that, I had a short 1 hour break with my political science blockmates. I am thankful in the sense that my relationships with my blockmates are going well harmoniously, after a couple of bragging mistakes I have made before first semester officially ended. So there, all is well for everything, and my plan of going back to square one seems to work off well.

Then headed off to International Political Economy Class under Carmel Abao, Ph.D. I haven't heard that much stories or feedback on her, but based on her short introduction and discussion a while ago, she greatly reminds me of Ms. Diana Mendoza, who was my teacher for PoS51 (Introduction to Political Science) back in second year. Although I have heard news about her being a lenient teacher, who is A-able, I would work a bit hard because the fact that she reminds me of Ms. Mendoza would mean the dangers of me slacking off, which is an absolute no-no for this semester. I promise then that I should really do well.

And that's my MWF edition

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Some tidbits for the day:

1) So yeah, I stopped with the idea of Betsy being my crush. It's not going to really work. Things are much better if she was more of my friend / kabarkada. And I'm thankful that she's willing to lend me her Theo book for my Theo class.

2) So the tumblr post I saw (where it states a fact that "Did you know that when a person appears in your dreams, that person wants to see you?") was to a certain extent true. For the past few nights, I've been dreaming about Tetel and mommy Cy, and I've bumped into mommy Cy a couple of times today. Too bad I wasn't able to even say hi to her. But I promise I shall do that, not her being my crush, but her being my CADS mommy.

3) My friend Kyle told me that he wanted me to hitch along with shooting sports, given my new acquisition (a Sigma 70-200 2.8 II APO DG EX Macro HSM). I'm quite interested with the offer, even if I admit of being no good into sports photography. Might as well give it a try.

4) Just talked to my Prod Staff Boss Tippi about Skechers. She told me though that I might be able to get better tickets (instead of the Upper Box B, she suggested that I should get an Upper Box A, but I am willing to shell out for a patron though), and that she will check out if I will be able to shoot near the stage through acquiring a photo pass for the event. If not, I have to let them bring my gear inside, then get it from them, due to Araneta's strict rules about cameras. Not bad, but I hope Tippi can help me with this (oh and I thank Tetel dear for suggesting me to talk to Tippi about this)

5) Today's one of those rare times that I went home early since I was supposedly not going to do anything, but upon going home, I just found out that there was a GA for CADS, but boss Tippi told me way too late. Sorry Tippi for that, I'll make it up next time.

6) Listening to Dashboard Confessional's new album (entitled "After the Ending") sets my mood real well, and I like their songs in this album. I miss listening to their songs. Thanks, Boss Ross, for giving me a copy of their new album.

7) As much as I have enough money to buy off new shoes this Christmas, I am contemplating on saving the money instead for a new camera body, as I do want to experience buying gear on my own money (the Sigma Lens was a early Christmas gift from my grandfather). I'm targeting at the 50k mark, which is just enough for a EOS 40D (plus the battery grip and a extra battery) or a EOS 50D. That's my new objective for the coming days. I'll skip with the shoes for now.

8) I feel that there's a lot of positive energy with second semester. I am definitely looking forward to this semester.

9) As much as I want to repress myself about these feelings, they tend to keep going out. But at least I am trying to avoid being captain obvious.

10) I am looking forward tomorrow, as I will have a first time experience with a 3-hour long evening class (from 4:30pm-7:30pm).

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Part 2 continues tomorrow :D

On your mark, get set, GO!

"One last night of dreams before reality arrives"

-Facebook Status as of this moment.

In a few hours, I immerse myself back to school, back to work, back to readings, back to (more) bonding with friends, back to meeting old (and new) professors, and back to those sleepless nights of both work and play. In short, it's back to reality.

My semestral break has been somewhat productive, fun, and adventurous (in both the safe AND unsafe way). I have my desire for writing back, I was able to reflect and reassess on my self, I saw how people both hate and love me, I have learned new things (like using a credit card, commuting, traveling with friends and the like), I have finished my work debts, and I have realized new things. In short, in the short duration of this break, a lot of things have happened (in both the positive and negative way).

As I once again step into the campus grounds, I have promised myself the following things:

1) To bond some more with my block and course mates,

2) To be more of myself,

3) To work harder academically and extracurricularly,

4) To strive for the magical acronym which is DL (short for Dean's list),

5) To maintain good relations with friends and new acquaintances,

6) To immerse myself further (and understand better) the philosophies of life,

7) To continue saving up for an upcoming expenditure,

8) To not just make a first impression, but a lasting impression,

9) To strengthen my relationship with God,

10) To understand the fine lines in a relationship,

11) To heal wounds (in a figurative sense),

12) To be further enlightened about the politics and what's happening to our country,

13) To understand the motives of our politicians

14) To be more politically aware, and apply the theories I learned in class,

15) To face the challenges and overcome them,

. . . and the list goes on and on.

I am looking forward to this semester, unlike the past semesters, as I have formally decided to start the semester as if I have started from square one. Yes, starting from scratch. I want to start the semester differently. Don't ask me why, but I jut want to start things in a different perspective. I want to start it hell right.

Tomorrow will be a big day.

A day where new opportunities appear.

A day where you meet new people.

Another moment to add into history.

Another moment to face.

Let's go, second semester :)

About that bad dream.

It was a dream that was laden with pains, and is full of sorrow, sadness, and tragedies. It was not like the normal dream I would usually have every night. This one's very emotional, in a sad aspect.

And yet, it wasn't me who was a part of that dream. I was dreaming about someone else's sorrow and cry. A cry so loud and unique it rings to my ears, and even registers to my brain. A dream about one's failed relationship.

I may have experienced the feeling of rejection, but her story about a breakup is a different ballgame. In fact, her story is something that even disturbs my dreams, the happy dreams.

She was deeply hurt from the breakup, but I feel hurt as well. And that's despite the fact that I've only known her for just a few months. It is as if I have known her before.

So, what's the big fuzz about her and her breakup story?

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Imagine this: She is a fine lady. She has the looks, the charm, and the brains. She lives with a well-off family. She is fashionable. She is the kind that guys would die for, only to win her heart. In fact, she was a girl that is hard to resist, a guy's dream girl. Her boyfriend should be happy that she was his girlfriend. She had everything a guy looks for in a girl. I guess the guys are jealous of him for getting such awesome girlfriend.

The relationship seemed perfect, flawless, full of romance, happiness, and the state of being ethereal. They lived happily together, being chummy with each other, relishing those happy moments. People thought that it was the perfect relationship. People thought that they will last forever.

But it wasn't perfect after all. She had a selfish boyfriend, after all.

Thinking that everything was already perfect, her boyfriend fell in love with another girl. She was slowly disappearing in the picture. The new girl is slowly replacing her in the picture. She gets angry. She argues with her boyfriend, telling about the fat that he is cheating her with that new girl. The boyfriend denied. They said sorry to each other and make up, but the reconciliation didn't last long.

They were supposed to have a date, in some posh mall along the metropolis. She arrived early. The seconds, minutes, and even hours go by, and no sight of her boyfriend. She texted and called him up, but with no answer. She was frustrated. She walked along, until she saw this sight that shocked her.

A guy and girl holding hands.

A guy with a familiar face.

She followed them, as they stroll along.

She felt something weird about them.

Upon a quick glance of his eyes, she know who he is.

It was her boyfriend, holding hands with another girl.

Her boyfriend saw her, but she ran away, crying in tears.

Her boyfriend kept on calling her, but she was gone.

Then, the boyfriend and the new girl continued walking,

as if nothing really happened.

She went home, went straight up her room, locked the door, and went to bed, still with the tears in her eyes. She couldn't fathom the scene that she saw a while ago.

Angrily, she called up her boyfriend, cursing him left and right. The boyfriend tried to explain the whole situation. The argument continued. They kept on arguing on the phone until the boyfriend said.

"Let's end this. After all, she is better than you."

And for her, it felt like she was shot to the heart, lifeless and all. She closed the phone, and slept, despite the tears in her eyes still.

She woke up the next day, but it wasn't the same anymore. No more good morning texts from her now ex-boyfriend. No more chummy messages.

She went to school, and further felt the difference. There was no one holding her hand. No one was cuddling with her. She felt all alone.

And 2 years of the ecstatic feeling ended with her now ex-boyfriend with a new girl in his life.

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And that was her story.

Yes I do like her (and I have a crush on her), but reading about her past disturbs me more. Is she fully healed of her emotional wounds already? Is she feeling well now? Is she alright? Those are questions that start going through my mind.

She may seem happy and perky on the outside, and being occasionally cheesy and cuddly, and being fun to be with, but does that mean the same thing deep in her wounded heart? I am not sure.

How I wish I could be able to cure her emotional wounds from a relationship that ended tragically.

Looking forward to new goals.

Second semester's coming quite soon, and I have some goals in mind to achieve. Yes, I want to change A LOT of things about me.

But aside from Academic-related goals (like getting DL for the semester, garnering a 3.0 or above average QPI for both my majors and my overall standing), there are still other things that need to be changed. Sure I may have done well academically, but sometimes the stress factor need not lie on academic stuff alone. There's a lot to put in consideration, such as personality, attitude, lifestyle, friends, enemies, love life, relationships, work, etc. etc. In short, there are other things I have to deal with come second semester.

Life during first semester would give you an illusion that I had a good time, but on the inside, I say otherwise. Issues with previous co-workers, problems with certain people, a struggle for authentic friendship, a struggle for financial and emotional constraints, and many more. I may seemed to look all well on the outside, but wounded on the inside.

Take this: last semester was my FIRST semester that I've spent as someone who is lost, who was wandering along the campus of Ateneo. It was the first time that I felt that I had lots of time at hand, yet I do not know how to use them wisely, unlike in the past two years. Sure, those past two years have been stressful to me, but I surely made good use of my time. This time around, I was a wanderer, who "accidentally" joined another organization, who returned to another organization that I have neglected for a while, and reunited with my blockmates.

I suddenly missed all the intensity that I used to deal with then. Now, it feels like every move I make is a potential for disaster, which was proven last semester, coming up with bad issues about me. Sorry guys and girls if I acted that way; sorry for my overly bragging attitude, my snobbish personality, and many more. I have been portrayed for a while as a person being hated at, but really, I am just a lost soul, unsure of where he should go next.

Although I was well-accepted by the new organization and the organization I have re-attended to, there is still this uncertainty in me that keeps on bothering me. There's that feeling that even if by leaving one place led me to know more people beyond that previous group I used to be a part of, I feel uneasy with meeting new people, hence, the tendency of making mistakes and making a lot of people disappointed.

Hence, one of the important goals of the coming semester is that I learn to be more careful and more aware of the people around me. I aim to be a nicer person, a person that you can easily go along with, a person who is generally a sociable person. I want to become friendlier. I want to be more humble. I want to brag less about myself. I want to change into a different person. I want people to see me in a more positive approach (AS much as possible, as we don't live in a perfect world, mind you). And just to make things straight, starting this coming semester, I will stop on trying to please everyone through changing myself just to please them. Instead, I promise to be more true to myself.

And on the aspect of love life, hearing stories of tragic ends, ecstatic moments, and struggling times in relationships (of my friends) make me think twice about relationships. No, I am not ready enough to be involved in one, but my goal for this is to at least not be stubborn about relationships like I was before. I want to change myself to that person who would care for relationship-related problems, even if I am single and I have technically not experienced falling in love. Or maybe I should try falling in love (considering there are girls that I can potentially fall in love with . . . but I should do it with great caution though). Now armed with the stories of my friends who are in a relationship or were previously in a relationship, maybe I should go and take the risk of falling in love. After all, falling in love entails a lot of sacrifices, but the benefits are well worth it.

And that's the pre-second semester blues. Lots of goals in mind, because I want to change, I want to be someone different, I want to renew myself.

Time for a drive back to square one.