-It has been four days since I dared my self to give Jan and Mita a rose for them at the eve of Valentine's, which happened to fall on Friday the 13th. I gave Mita a white one because I want to show through that color that I like her. On the other hand, I gave Jan a red rose because I want to indirectly tell her that I love her. Yes it is a crazy act for me, which brought me to a conclusion that Valentine's eve (and Valentine's day itself) was called not S.A.D (or Single / Social Awareness Day), but F.M.D (or First Move Day) for me. And to think for Mita, it took me four long years to tell her indirectly that I like her, and it took me almost two years to tell Jan indirectly that I love her.
In fact, it is so ironic that I did my first move at a day where I was expecting that I will celebrate Single Awareness Day. I know it has to be really really awkward to find them, wait before they enter their class, tell then that you want to give them something, and giving to them the rose that you want to give to them. All I could do is just laugh at the outcome of what happened after giving to them the rose. One blushed (Mita) and told me how sweet of me, while the other wondered why I gave her a red rose (Jan) and thanked me again for it before going home.
Doing the first move makes me feel frustrated
-It is really frustrating to run for an editorial board position for The Guidon; you know the feeling when you try your best, and yet you feel you are lacking something. That's how I feel . Although I may be working as a News staffer fro two years, the case is different when you become a news editor. Like hello . . . while I am simulating what it means to be a news editor is draining the hell out of me; I realize how hard is it to be an editor, assigning articles, editing them, following them up, designing the layout for every issue, thinking of relevant banner-worthy stories, thinking of where the articles are best placed, thinking of which photos to put in the layout, and a lot more.
Despite that, I find it funny and ironic as well that although I am no dean lister, I am no Communication Major with a Journalism track, and I am not a girl (going back three generations . . . Acor was Comm Journ track major and is a dean's lister, Ayee was Acor's batchmate / trackmate and carries a minor in Philosophy, and AnnaB is also a Comm Journ track major, a dean's lister, and works for News break) , I am running for News Editor. I sometimes really feel out of place when I compare myself to the past three News Editors; I'm a Political Science Major, with a barely 3.0 QPI, and is a guy. No I am not saying that I should be a girl in order to be a News Editor, but I feel so small as I compare myself to these three great girls who have held the position of News Editor. It is a frustrating feeling, I know. But maybe time will come that something drastic would change with myself. Only time will tell.
Doing the first move made me open to certain realizations.
Realization 1: I cannot push myself to be a Dean's lister: not that I am hopeless to make it to the magic 3.35, but let's face reality: attaining the magic number is an impossible task for me, especially for a student who has a consistent average that draws between the 2.7-2.9 range, I don't think I could push myself further anymore. Not not that I find myself hopeless to do good; like hello I always try my best in studying for all my academics, but I guess I should realize that I have to stop comparing myself to others; they are not me anyway. Hence, what is more important to me is NOT how I fare as compared to others, BUT how I perform as myself. Am I making the most of what I am capable of? Am I exerting enough effort? Have I discovered my limit? These are questions I keep in my mind.
Realization 2: Liking Jan has been somewhat a norm for me: Short story first: While in MM's place for our VDay bonding, we played this game called " I Never" where a person will say I never blah and if you did it, you have to chug down some alcohol. Raymond, in his turn, said "I never liked anyone from the Guidon EB". Bea drank her glass of alcohol cocktail (I forgot the other one) and I almost hesitated to chug down my glass of alcohol cocktail when Jan looked straight at me and said "o Duey, what are you waiting for? Drink it na!" with that mischievous smile on her face. Guilty at the fact that I like her and that she's an EB member, I decided to chug down the alcohol cocktail. Yup; call it guilty at the first degree. Although it seemed awkward, I laugh in the end. After all, I so like the fact that Jan affirms the fact that I like her and it is ok for her; hence making me not feeling awkward towards her anymore (unlike my previous crushes).
Hell week(s) are coming up. Things to watch out:
-Deadline of the Second Batch of EBR Requirements (70% progress, but I want to make it super impressive not just for Jan, who is the senior editor responsible for my requirements, but all of the senior editors as well)
-EBR panel interview with the Senior Editors (Don't worry, I am not going to be totally awkward when Jan is going to judge me)
-PoS61 orals (Hans, we can do this!)
-Psych LT AND Project (I vow myself to do my very best in this subject)
-PoS53 paper (I have a lot of things to catch up for this subject)
-Spanish project (I want to make Sir Capili impressed at my Spanish skills so that means I have to refine my conversational skills)
-Sci10 (I vow myself to listen and be attentive in class after that doomsday LT)
-Theo (I want to get that B under the Great Aguas even if I have bad quizzes and a disappointing orals grade)
And of course . . .
-FINALS!!!!
How I wish summer comes. But before summer comes, I have to say one last thing before Jan graduates.
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